Being friends with Meghan Markle comes with a set of very specific, rarefied perks. You will never have to do pilates on the beach alone ever again. Meghan will plank along with you. Your kitchen countertop will suddenly be filled by an abundance of handwritten, calligraphy-sporting thank-you cards. She will roast you a chicken, just because.
Though Meghan has an actual publicist (Keleigh Thomas Morgan, from Sunshine Sachs), her buds also pull their weight as ad hoc PRs. When speaking to reporters, they show an astonishing amount of reserve that is impossible to understand for anyone who has ever succumbed to a checkout aisle chocolate bar impulse buy.
Read their “candid” conversations about the duchess and you’ll gain approximately no insight into Meghan’s life and personality. And that’s the point.
If your sanity can stand it, come on this journey of highly-orchestrated quote coups. You won’t learn anything about one of the world’s most talked-about women, but you will feel bad that your friends aren’t as nice as hers.
“[Meghan] is so passionate about the work she does... She’s so conscious when she’s putting her wardrobe together.” -Misha Nonoo, The Telegraph
I, too, am unable to dress myself when I’m unconscious. Such a bastion of relatability, that Meghan!
Nonoo, as you may know-know, is the rumored matchmaker who introduced Meghan and Harry back in 2016. A New York Times profile called the fashion designer a “close personal friend” of the couple. She and Meghan met at a lunch held during the Miami Art Basel fair. I’ll let Nonoo explain it in her own, confusing, words:
“We sat down and we started, actually, right from the get-go, talking about a shared passion for equality, women’s empowerment, and our love of dogs.”
Here is a sample of initial conversations I have had with people who later became friends: “I love that eye shadow, what is it?,” “Hey, is this the line for the bathroom?,” and “The person you are on a date with has talked about their high school SAT scores for 15 minutes, despite the fact that they are at least 30 years old. Do you need me to save you?”
Never have I tapped on the shoulder of the woman doing her makeup in a bathroom mirror and inquired, “Just wondering, how’s your passion for equality doing these days?” But I’ll allow that I might open with a line about how great dogs are—particularly, Colombo, Emily Ratajkowski’s pup.
“She's very kind. She's very generous, and a really, really sweet person.” —Gayle King, CBS This Morning
Here, Gayle King—who has both a journalistic and personal relationship with Meghan—describes the duchess like I do a friend’s new girlfriend. She’s... nice. We had one conversation about a true crime podcast we both listen to, so that’s cool. Sure, I like her!
“Megs... she was always meant for big things. To be a change and be an important voice in doing that. It’s amazing that she found that calling and has the platform to be able to do it. By the time this comes out, she will have a baby. It’s so amazing how lives change.” —Priyanka Chopra, Elle UK
Empowerment-mad libs, brought to you by the Quantico actress. It’s a pretty pile of buzzwords like “voice,” “calling,” and “platform” that mean zilch when put together. Then Chopra gets randomly nostalgic, talking of babies and life’s ever-changing seasons, as if she’s singing “Landslide” at karaoke happy hour.
“Over our almost 15 year friendship, I’ve watched Meghan’s dedication to self-growth, and generosity.” —Janina Gavankar, AltFound
You have watched Meghan’s dedication to self-growth, and generosity what, Janina? Grow? Flourish? Touch the lives of many? No, you just watched it. Like a very pretty bird, from a distance. For a really long time. Do you want some water? Or maybe some soup?
“She’s got that warm elegance, though her style is hard to pin down. It’s classy and timeless.” —Abigail Spencer, Vanity Fair
Spencer, who played opposite Markle in the TV show Suits, seems just as confused by her words as I am. “Classy” and “timeless” are perfect placeholders for when you don’t have a clue what you’re saying. It’s so well-meaning, but so vague. One of those few times where you shouldn’t say anything at all, even if it’s something nice.
“Listen, every person has to have a bit of privacy in their life. There are certain things I hold very dear and secret. There are things I’ll never talk about for sure. My life is an open book, but there’s always a few secret pages in the back that nobody will be able to read.” —Jessica Mulroney, Harper’s Bazaar
The Canadian stylist and TV presenter, who is often cited as Meghan’s closest friend, is also her most secretive. The above quote doesn’t tell me anything about their relationship—I guess that’s the point—but it does make me wonder if books are different in Canada. Secret pages?
Even if Mulroney rarely goes on the record with Meghan anecdotes, like many Instagram moms, she cannot resist the urge to post an inspirational quote from time to time. A few are plugged to news about the royals. After Meghan and Harry made clear their intention to “step down” from their official duties, the stylist responded with a Gina Carey quote graphic which said, “A strong woman looks a challenge in the eye and gives it a wink.”
Cheeky and closed-mouthed—the mark of a true confidante.