‘A Done Deal’

Nick Cannon’s Not a Gigolo, But He Had Sex with Kim Kardashian

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey split for the normal reasons: the accumulated stress of balancing home and work life, her stubbornness, his busy schedule, and Kim Kardashian.

Kevork Djansezian/Getty

On Thursday, Nick Cannon confirmed that his six-year marriage to Mariah Carey is on the rocks. Cannon revealed that, "we have been living in separate houses for a few months." Sure, it's not the big confession we've all been waiting for, but this less exciting annulment between a sort of rapper and an all but retired diva will have to suffice.

It seems that Carey, 44, and Cannon, 33, broke up for all the normal reasons—the accumulated stress of balancing home and work life, her stubbornness and inability to concede an argument, his busy schedule, and Kim Kardashian.

Apparently, Nick and Mariah's marriage was initially torn asunder back in March when Nick named five celebrities he's slept with on Big Boy's radio show. Big Boy's radio show: it's all fun and games until you inadvertently reveal to your wife that you slept with Kim Kardashian. We imagine that Carey wasn't jealous of her husband and Kim's relationship so much as enraged that he still couldn't manage to finagle a play date with North West for 3-year-old twins Moroccan and Monroe. According to TMZ, "Mariah tore into Nick for weeks," though if a couple fights and there's no leaked elevator footage of the incident, did they even argue at all?

Cannon proved that he still remembers a thing or two about comedic timing when he followed the Kim Kardashian comment with a Howard Stern interview in which he revealed that Carey didn't sleep with him until they were newlyweds. While Nick was grabbing any and all available microphones in his immediate vicinity in an attempt to piss off his wife, Mariah was reportedly surrounding herself with "yes men." Mariah was also irate that Cannon was taking any entertainment gig he was offered, consistently choosing his career over his family. "What career?" we imagine Carey retorting, before launching into a glass-breaking vocal run accompanied by the applause and cheers of her ever-present bevy of yes men.

Naturally, Carey and Cannon’s lawyers have “struck up a confidentiality agreement” that bars Cannon from speaking publicly about the divorce—so don’t expect another candid confession any time soon. While we’ll never truly know why this couple has decided to call it quits (Kim Kardashian), TMZ insists that “divorce is a done deal.” Feel free to use this sort-of-sad break up as a practice run for the sure-to-be-devastating demise of Bey and Jay. Egg Kim Kardashian's house. Pen a Carey and Cannon inspired ballad in the style of Mariah Carey (featuring an unfortunate rap verse in the lesser known style of Nick Cannon). Re-watch Drumline. Write to your local congressman. Mourn so enthusiastically that you end up neglecting your own family.

Or just save your tears for a celebrity couple that isn’t stupid enough to break up over a Howard Stern interview.