Nicki Minaj has been having quite the year, from dragging T Magazine reporters to making Miley Cyrus rue the day she decided that white dreads were a good idea. But behind every record-breaking female recording artist/cultural crimes vigilante is a man who just can’t get his act together.
Enter Meek Mill, Minaj’s rebound-turned-long-term boyfriend.
As Nicki began her full-time reign as the queen of hip-hop, Meek Mill was assigned some basic auxiliary tasks: stand to Minaj’s right in pictures, support her on her world tour, post emoji-laden Woman Crush Wednesday couple photos, and don’t cause any drama. Sounds pretty simple, right?
After Minaj Instagrammed a huge diamond ring this week and thanked Meek in the caption, rumors started circling that Mill had copped that coveted first husband of hip-hop gig. In class Minaj fashion, she later explained to Billboard that “He and I are not engaged. But he said he would like to give me three rings before we get married.” While the details of Minaj and Mill’s three-ring approach to romance have yet to be adequately explained, suffice it to say that Minaj won’t be headed down the aisle anytime soon (or with any fewer than three rings on). Still, the false alarm engagement is a rude awakening for all of us Minaj stans who know that Nicki could do so much better (did someone just say Drake? I could’ve sworn someone just said Drake…) So Nicki, consider this a carefrontation—a partial list of all the reasons Meek Mill has never been, and will never be, marriage material.
1. The Drake of It All
In 2015, messing with Drake is like defending Iggy Azalea or unironically watching Empire—it’s simply not done. Everyone knows that Drake is invincible. The artist formerly known as Aubrey Graham easily surmounted a myriad of challenges—Judaism, Canadianness, heartbreak, even fake partial paralysis—to become one of the greatest rappers of his generation. And yet Meek Mill, who is neither a beloved former Degrassi star nor a particularly good rapper, made the god-awful decision to go after Drake and start one of the most uneven rap beefs since, well, Empire (Freda Gatz 4 life). Back in mid-July, after his album underperformed, Meek had the bright idea to tweet that Drake was a poser who didn’t even write his own songs.
A hip-hop happy hour quickly ensued—shots everywhere. Drake released not one, but two diss tracks, including the legendary “Back to Back,” in which Drizzy famously asked, “Is that a world tour, or your girl’s tour?” Meek Mill hit back with a response that was quickly deemed embarrassing, raising the question of why Meek Mill never considered hiring his own ghostwriters, or why Minaj didn’t take pity on her boyfriend and give him some old discarded verses to work with. Poor Meek Mill. Drake himself put it best when he asked, “Nobody told you that this was a bad idea?”
2. Ongoing Litigation
If we’re going by the “what’s mine is yours” sentiment that pervades most marriages, Meek Mill has a lot to gain by wifing Nicki Minaj up: increased Instagram clout, ’Raris AND Benz’s, and unparalleled Beyoncé access. Conversely, Minaj stands to earn co-ownership of a pretty dismal chain collection and a whole lot of ongoing litigation. Back when he was mid-beef, Mill was sued by WWE legend the Undertaker, who alleged that the rapper used his WWE theme song in his weak-ass diss track, “Wanna Know.” The Undertaker filed to the tune of $500,000, saying, “I wouldn’t have filed a lawsuit if the track was actually good. But since he included my theme in a fucking garbage track, I’m angry.” Truly the plaintiff that Gotham deserves.
Then, over Grammy weekend, Meek threw a mansion rager in Beverly Hills, expressly breaking the landlord’s strict “no parties” edict. The mansion soiree ended when a fight broke out, and cops were called to maintain law and order. While no one was arrested, Meek Mill landed himself in a whole lot of trouble with the landlord, who’s now suing the rapper for breaking the lease, damages, and trespassing. Not content to list out all the various damages (including a broken trampoline), the landlord is going after specific celebrities for “trespassing,” naming big names like Justin Bieber, Khloe Kardashian, Chris Brown, and Nicki herself. Now, in addition to getting kicked out of a rager, these stars could have to answer to a legal deposition. Total party foul, Meek.
3. Assorted Run-Ins with the Law
Back in 2014, Meek was sentenced to three to six months behind bars for violating his parole (stemming from a 2009 gun and drug conviction). Now, it seems like the rapper has landed himself in a similar situation, and is facing jail time for failing to notify his parole officer that he was attending the American Music Awards in L.A., and not completing a mandatory travel request form to leave Philadelphia. During his Thursday hearing, Mill’s lawyer reportedly told the judge that Nicki Minaj “would not marry a criminal or a bum.” Come on, Meek, is this a parole hearing or your girl’s hearing?
On top of the sheer rudeness of trying to use his relationship as a Get Out of Jail Free card, Meek Mill has got to be kidding with these totally avoidable parole violations. If he was serious about Nicki, he would know that she needs him around the house 24/7—who else will pour her a glass of wine when she’s had a long day, or take her full-length bodycon gowns to the dry cleaners? Just like Minaj needs more than a basic wash and dry cycle, she also needs more in a man than Meek Mill and his exhaustive collection of red flags. When you finally come to your senses, Nicki, just give Drake a heads up so he can plan for it.