Nicki Minaj is working harder than Taylor Swift’s fake surprise face. The Pinkprint rapper, who already works overtime recording, performing, and campaigning on behalf of increasing the number of big asses per club capita, has recently been ambushed on all sides from an onslaught of shade. In her first battle, Minaj had to take out Taylor Swift when the narcissistic singer-dater-gazelle insisted on criticizing Nicki for protesting the “Anaconda” VMA snubbing. Minaj was making a point about how difficult it is for black women to gain widespread acclaim or recognition—and Taylor Swift, a white lady, obliterated the larger point by making it personal. In turn, Minaj channeled the raw anger that we all experience when we think about how much time Taylor Swift spends with Calvin Harris’s abs, and dragged her with the facts (Taylor Swift translation: took her down by flaunting her superior intellect). Swift, defeated, ran off to FaceTime Karlie Kloss, leaving a trail of white limbs and unread texts from Lena Dunham in her wake.
Next, Minaj was put upon by her boyfriend Meek Mill’s most recent Twitter tirade. Mill, who was clearly sick of swiffering Minaj’s recording studio and folding her fishnets like a good boy, went a little stir crazy and took his anger out on the nearest Canadian: Minaj’s BFF Drake.
In the stupidest celebrity career suicide since Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself, Mill accused the (much better, much more famous) rapper of using ghostwriters on his hit tracks. In addition to potentially killing his own career, Meek might get himself actually killed—by the millions of women who he’s attempting to convince that Drake’s emotional, romantic rhymes are disingenuous. And that’s why every boss lady needs to walk her man at least three times a day.
In addition to gunning for the six’s most beloved fake paraplegic, Meek Mill also had some choice word’s for Minaj’s ex, Safaree Samuels. Samuels dated Minaj on and off for 12 years. Meek called Safaree gay on Twitter, and Safaree tweeted back that Nicki hasn’t moved on. Safaree then released a diss track called “Lifeline,” the second Minaj-related diss track from the rapper who totally has other things going on in his life and definitely isn’t hiding under Nicki Minaj’s princess canopy bed indefinitely. Taylor Swift isn’t absolutely positive, but she’s pretty sure that both songs are about her.
In his debut cry for attention, “Love the Most,” Samuels referenced Minaj’s reported pill problem, and called her out for macking with Nas in a music video. He also rhymed “good” with “hood,” “cool” with “fool,” and “bills” with “pills.” For all of us, Nicki, please send Drake’s new body to confiscate Safaree’s rhyming dictionary and disconnect your credit card info from his Amazon account.
“Lifeline” picks up where “Love the Most” left off—a relatable diss track for everyone who is so over their ex, and so obviously superior to them, that they will literally never ever stop talking about it. Safaree raps, “This n— bent outta shape with a gorilla face / My bars on The Pinkprint no one will ever match / My dick print, little n—, you can never match.” Like a particularly salty Yo Momma contestant, Safaree has landed the amateur rapper’s insult trifecta: claiming he ghostwrote Nicki’s tracks, insulting her boyfriend’s face, and talking about his own penis.
Safaree has abandoned the concept of rhyming different words with each other altogether, instead focusing his energy on saying mean things about Meek Mill and nice things about his own penis. Safaree continues his no-holds-barred verbal assault on Meek Mill, claiming that the rapper could stand to tone: “I heard you told Philippe Chow you ain’t goin’ there…You outta shape anyway, you need to eat a pear.” That is very rude, Safaree! Apologize to Meek Mill for insinuating that his overall physique could benefit from a healthy diet of fruits and vegetables!
In “Lifeline,” Safaree repeats “I don’t care” over and over again, as if by saying it three times and looking into a mirror he could actually make apathy appear. Unfortunately for Safaree, the only person here who really can’t be bothered is Nicki—she has enough on her plate right now. Besides, if “Lifeline” proves anything, it’s that Safaree would have been physically incapable of ghostwriting on The Pinkprint. Instead of showing off his replacement girlfriend or bragging about his unannounced, possibly fictitious VH1 show, Safaree should follow Minaj’s lead by building a bridge and actually getting over it. Because you can only be this emotional and pathetic on a diss track if you write like Drake. Or sound like Drake. Or look like Drake.