Why the Michael Jackson Biopic Made Me Feel Gross

This week:

• The Michael Jackson biopic is abysmal.
• The funniest movie poster of the year.
• So excited for Practical Magic 2.
• The best star on reality TV.
• Finally, people who can take a joke.

Just a Complete Disaster of a Movie

On a crisp, cool morning in January 2019, I joined a long line of journalists, critics, and industry insiders hours ahead of time, as we were warned to do, for the Sundance Film Festival premiere of Leaving Neverland, the disturbing, damning documentary in which Wade Robson and James Safechuck detail, with graphic specificity, how Michael Jackson had allegedly sexually abused them as children. As we waited for the screening to start, bomb-sniffing dogs patrolled up and down the theater’s aisles. Outside, Jackson fans were protesting the film.

My write-up of the allegations in the documentary remains one of my most-read articles in my time working at the Daily Beast. Several weeks later, I wrote another piece about the “truthers” who had been harassing me with their own conspiracy theories and so-called proof that Robson, Safechuck, and previous accusers Gavin Arvizo and Jordan Chandler were lying. That piece went on to win a journalism award.

The film is a stunningly shameless hagiography that sanitizes Jackson’s legacy and ignores the scandals that became defining aspects of his life before his death in 2009.

A movie about Jackson, of course, need not be solely about those accusations, but it’s rather egregious to scrub them completely. Michael, as such, is not interested in telling Michael Jackson’s story. It’s little more than a fundraiser for the Jackson estate, with no value beyond the opportunity to spend too much money on a movie ticket in order to listen to Jackson’s songs for a few hours.

Michael stars Jackson’s nephew, Jaafar Jackson, and covers the pop supernova’s cultural rise from his breakout with the Jackson 5 in the 1960s to his blockbuster Bad tour. Jaafar Jackson isn’t so much giving a performance in the film as he is doing an impression of his uncle. It’s a convincing one, sure, but depressingly superficial.

There’s nary a glimmer at Jackson’s inner life; no insight into the ambition and drive behind his talent, and nothing offered to explain his infamous quirks and oddness. Adopt a monkey? Sure. Start talking in that high-pitched voice? Ok. Fire your father as your manager? Let’s not get into it.

There is singing and dancing, and meticulous recreations of Jackson’s most iconic performances. But your time would be better spent just watching those clips on YouTube than watching this remarkably thin film.

All of this, of course, will not matter. Michael is tracking to do huge numbers at the box office. Other rose-colored projects about Jackson’s life that conveniently skip over the icky bits haven’t had issues garnering attention, like the Tony-winning MJ musical now on Bravo.

It’s surprising, given its almost-guaranteed financial success, to read about the family clashes that have occurred over the film.

Janet Jackson reportedly got into a heated argument with the family because she was so incensed by the movie’s depiction of Jackson at an early screening. Noticeably, there is no Janet character that appears in the film. Jackson’s daughter, Paris, went scorched earth on social media, calling the movie “dishonest” and “full-blown lies,” saying, “A big section of the film panders to a very specific section of my dad’s fandom that still lives in fantasy, and they’re gonna be happy with it.”

The film was originally bookended by the 1993 investigation into 13-year-old Jordan Chandler’s allegations that Jackson had sexually abused him, ending with the star being portrayed as the “naïve victim of the money-grubbing Chandlers whose unfounded claims force Jackson to endure ridicule and persecution until he ultimately settles, his resolve and reputation forever in tatters,” according to Puck. However, part of the Chandlers’ $23 million settlement forbade Jordan from being depicted in any way in a movie. Michael, then, underwent a costly 22-day reshoot.

So there’s no mention of pedophilia or how those rumors and accusations impacted Jackson’s life. What’s left isn’t a film, it’s a question: What is the point?

That Is Quite the Movie Poster

On the subject of Michael Jackson, my jaw just about crashed through the floor, all the way to the basement of my building, five stories below, when I saw the new movie poster for Scary Movie 6. It was already one of my most anticipated movies of the year, owing to the reunion of original cast members Anna Faris and Regina Hall. But this art sealed the deal.

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It’s a faithful recreation of the Michael movie poster, but with the franchise’s Ghostface Killer in Jackson’s costume. There are two taglines: “Prepare to hee-hee,” and, swallow your sip of beverage now so that you don’t do a spittake, “Touching fans everywhere June 5.”

Touching fans everywhere…

That is ballsy, to say the least.

I Can’t Wait for This Movie

We truly come to this place for magic.

I was on a flight last year where I put on Practical Magic, and then the girl sitting next to me said “oh!” and she put on Practical Magic. And then the person behind her saw she was watching Practical Magic and pressed play. And the person next to them did the same. Anyway, I’m excited for us all to see Practical Magic 2. The second the “Coconut” started playing in this trailer, my ticket was basically purchased.

I Am Obsessed With Her

If you’ve been watching The Real Housewives of Rhode Island—and if you haven’t been, I have to ask why you hate yourself and enjoyable things—you know that cast member Alicia Carmody is a natural star. She’s the spiritual sister of Sonja Morgan, with strong Teresa Giudice lineage. Her accent is outrageous. She never uses the correct words, when she knows the words at all. She is glamorous and grounded, fabulous and feral. She refers to the actress as “Jane’s Fonda.” I could watch her for hours.

What really skyrocketed her entertainment value, for me, was when she was listing off the reasons she doesn’t like to drive, and casually mentioned that she once “ran over a woman” among the reasons. Even the producer Carmody was talking to was dumbfounded, responding with a baffled, “Did you just say…”

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Well, Carmody made her Watch What Happens Live debut this week and didn’t disappoint, giving more details about the incident. Yes, it really happened. The woman dove into her windshield. Carmody had to chase her down and take her to the hospital.

All in all, it sounds pretty traumatizing. But not as traumatizing for Carmody as when she and her fiancé moved a 15-minute drive from the town where he aunts live. She apparently went to therapy over it.

Finally, Someone With a Sense of Humor

I love Nikki Glaser. Hosting award shows is so hard and often thankless, but when someone is legitimately good at it, it’s some of the most fun entertainment there is. Nikki Glaser is great at it.

Her best joke when hosting the Golden Globes earlier this year was her roasting of Leonardo DiCaprio: Leo, I’m sorry I made that joke. It is cheap. I tried not to, but, like, we don’t know anything else about you, man. There’s nothing else. Open up! I’m serious! I looked! I searched! The most in-depth interview you’ve ever given was for Teen Beat magazine in 1991. Is your favorite food still ‘Pasta, pasta and more pasta?’”

According to Variety, Glaser sends flowers to her roast victims and “the only person who sent something back to me” after the Globes “was Leonardo DiCaprio. He sent me three baskets of pasta as a ‘thank you.’ So funny. So good. And part of me was like, ‘Does Leo want to smash?’”

It’s so refreshing to hear that Leo has a sense of humor about himself. I would also like to use this opportunity to tell friends and family that I would prefer baskets of pasta to bouquets of flowers every time.

More From The Daily Beast’s Obsessed

I talked to writer, director, and actor (that’s just a short list of his many jobs) Jeremy O. Harris about his time in Japanese prison and why he called the king of AI a Nazi. A juicy convo! Watch here.

I had an incredible gossip session with Kimi Murdoch from Ladies of London: The New Reign, which may just be the most delightful television show airing right now. Read more.

I am very much a fan of this plot point that’s been revealed from The Devil Wears Prada 2. Read more.

What to Watch This Week

Widow’s Bay: The hellishly funny horror comedy is the year’s best new show. (Wed. on Apple TV)

Apex: Charlize Theron shows off her special skill of being an absolute bada– in this new action thriller. (Now on Netflix)

Nikki Glaser: Good Girl: The bits I’ve seen from this already have made me howl with laughter. (Now on Hulu)

What to skip this week:

Michael: An unmitigated disaster. Skip! (Now in theaters)