James Joyce, Philip Roth, and Nicholson Baker are much naughtier than E.L. James. See if you can distinguish between 50 Shades of Grey and masterpieces of literature like Lady Chatterley’s Lover or Rabbit, Run. So take out a pen or pencil and take our quiz to test your erotica knowledge.
Ulysses by James Joyce vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “And the last time he came on my bottom … I know what boys feel with that down on their cheek … that frigging.”
b. “I smile, and his lips twitch … my breathing alters as my heart races … his eyes darkest slate … I moan into his mouth.”
Sodom and Gomorrah by Marcel Proust vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “He caresses my behind with his long-fingered hands … trussed up and pressed … at his mercy, and of my own free will … I surrender myself to the rhythm of blows.”
b. “The flower-woman that was here would … arch her “styles” … and, in order to be penetrated more fully by him, would … come to meet him halfway.”
Sabbath’s Theater by Philip Roth vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “I always loved fucking. But I don’ regret that I have fucked many … Some of them, they were sort of wasted times. You must have that, too. Haven’t you? With women you didn’t enjoy?”
“Yes.”
b. “Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?” …
“I like your kinky fuckery.”
Rabbit, Run by John Updike vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “Roll over.” … It’s beginning to work, steady, warm …
“Is this a trick your whore taught you? … I’m not your whore.” …
“You can’t just lie there with your precious ass. Kiss it for me.”
b. “Up and down like a whore’s drawers, my subconscious remarks bitterly. In my head, I tell her where to go.”
Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “The orgasm was his, all his … even the tightness of his arms round her, even the intense movement of his body … he had finished and lay softly panting against her breast.”
b. “What will she do? … But they just continue to stare at each other … full of some unnamed emotion. It could be pity, fear, affection … or is it love? … His eyes bore into her, and agonizingly slowly.”
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “Oh, you frighten me! You hurt me! Let me go!” …
“What was the matter with you? Why? I don’t understand. … In my soul you are as a Madonna on a pedestal, in a place lofty, secure, immaculate.”
b. “You beguile me … Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the sun.”
On the Nature of Things by Lucretius vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “Closes his eyes and eases into my mouth as I squeeze him between my lips, running my tongue over and around him. I take him deeper and withdraw, again and again and again.”
b. “Locking hands and locking thighs … their wet tongues darting … each would force their way to the other’s heart.”
American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “I’m on my knees giving … head … and in the time since I’ve started licking and sucking … already come twice and … cunt is tight and hot and wet and I keep it spread open, fingering it with one hand.”
b. “I’m a sadist … I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore … I’m talking about the heavy shit … You should see what I can do with a cane or a cat.”
House of Holes by Nicholson Baker vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “I don’t’ care if you hit or miss baby. I just want to see you like this—partially dressed, stretched out on the billiard table … You missed … Once more, baby. And if you miss this time, I’m really going to let you have it … You missed … Put your hands flat on the table … Open your legs.”
b. “It says here that you favor a man with a heavy, dark dick. It quotes you as saying, ‘Some nice things are just not possible with a small, pale dick.’” …
"Where did you get that piece of information?" …
"It says here that you would favor having three Italian airplane pilots in uniform shoot their comeloads onto your belly while you cup your clitoris with a wooden spoon."
Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov vs. 50 Shades of Grey
a. “Well … I haven’t had sex before, so I don’t know.”
b. “I am practically impotent, to tell the melancholy truth.”
1. a. Ulysses
b. 50 Shades of Grey
2. a. 50 Shades of Grey
b. Sodom and Gomorrah
3. a. Sabbath’s Theater
b. 50 Shades Darker
4. a. Rabbit, Run
b. 50 Shades of Grey
5. a. Lady Chatterley’s Lover
b. 50 Shades Darker
6. a. Madame Bovary
b. 50 Shades of Grey
7. a. 50 Shades Freed
b. On the Nature of Things
8. a. American Psycho
b. 50 Shades Darker
9. a. 50 Shades Darker
b. House of Holes
10. a. 50 Shades of Grey
b. Lolita
