Samantha Bee could not have returned from her summer vacation soon enough. On night one of the GOP convention, the Full Frontal host wasn’t in Cleveland yet—you will have to wait for a special episode airing Wednesday—and was still safely in her New York studio.
For anyone who spent the previous few hours watching the likes of Antonio Sabato, Jr., Rudy Giuliani, and the mother of a Benghazi victim who shouted, “Hillary for Prison!” to end her speech, Bee’s comedic perspective was a welcome respite from the RNC crazy.
Bee offered up a full preview of what we can expect from the convention this week, including the “bizarre made-up bullshit” excuses prominent figures are using to skip the event altogether. For instance, Trump said Sarah Palin couldn’t make it because Alaska is too far away.
“You do know about airplanes, right?” Bee asked. “You know they can be used for other things besides slaughtering wolves from the sky?” She added, “How messed up must the Republican convention be if Sarah Palin won’t attend?” But at least “mega-star” Scott Baio would be there, “making this the second time he’s watched helplessly as someone jumps the shark.”
Bee also called “bullshit” on Trump’s assertion that Mike Pence was his “first choice” for vice presidential candidate, laughing as she said, “Truth is, after failing to convince his children to let him pick the concept of ‘tits’ as his running mate, Trump spent an agonizing week trying to decide between the “Republican Littlefinger”—Newt Gingrich—“and, I guess, Roger Sterling during an allergy attack.”
“He also thought it was funny to let Chris Christie think he still had a shot,” the host joked. As Bee put it, “after days of leaks, tweets, dittering, dickering, and generally impressing everyone with his presidential decisiveness,” Trump finally settled on Pence. But not before he gave a rambling 20-minute-plus speech as an introduction to his new “partner.”
“Who is Mike Pence?” Bee (and the rest of America) asked. “If you’re a lady Hoosier, you may recognize him as the governor who inspected your reproductive organs every 30 days to make sure you weren’t using them in ways that would make Jesus sad.”
“Among his greatest hits, Pence signed a law requiring funerals for fetuses after an abortion or miscarriage,” Bee continued. “The law was blocked by a federal judge, but not before Pence had closed down every abortion clinic not equipped with a full complement of funeral bagpipers, you know, for the woman’s safety. In that state, having a miscarriage could land you in jail for 20 years, so if you’re driving through Indiana and the contractions start, cross your legs and don’t stop till you’re in Chicago!”
Bee ended by congratulating Indiana for “getting rid of one of the worst governors you’ve ever had.” But she had bad news for New Jersey: “You were this close.”