The mental image of Donald Trump’s penis was a bit more than Samantha Bee could stand during Monday night’s new episode of Full Frontal.
After a cold open in which Bee revealed her forbidden love for Trump rival Ted Cruz, the host launched directly into an In Memoriam reel for the Republican Party. “The death throes started Thursday morning when the Republican establishment realized Donald Trump is doing to their brand what his asshole son does to real elephants,” Bee joked. And she didn’t have anything kinder to say about Trump’s new best enemy, Mitt Romney.
“With all due respect, sir, the last time you tried to stand between a charismatic guy and the White House, you got beat like a Muslim girl at a Trump rally,” Bee said to groans from the audience. Of John McCain, she added, “Don't you even dare!” With a photo of Sarah Palin on the screen, Bee joked, “The guy who gave us Trump 1.0 does not get to complain about the latest upgrade.”
But nothing was worse than Thursday night’s GOP debate, which found the four remaining candidates hitting what we can only hope was rock bottom. “I don’t mean to sound sexist, but I think men are too emotional to be president,” Bee said, before getting to Trump’s pièce de résistance about the size of his member.
“I’m so sorry. Let me just wipe the vomit off the camera,” Bee said. “So this is where we are? The party of Lincoln has completed its long journey from ‘a house divided against itself cannot stand’ to ‘you should see how huge my pocket Donald looks when I masturbate with my totally normal-sized hands.’”
Bee reserved her only unironic praise of the night for the Fox News moderators, particularly Chris Wallace, who “unleashed Fox’s weapon of last resort: facts.”
“You guys actually found it, the fabled no-spin zone. It's beautiful!” she said. “And too late, because here’s where your 20 years of stoking people’s basest instincts have brought us.” From there we saw Trump brag that he has been disavowing the Ku Klux Klan for two whole weeks, or as Bee put it, “a fortnight of tolerance.”