SELF-DEFENSE

Stephen Colbert Blasts Brett Kavanaugh for Thinking Trump Is ‘Above the Law’

‘That’s like Steph Curry picking the ref, and the ref previously ruled, “Warriors number one!”’

CBS

“I don’t know about you, but I am still recovering from watching America’s Next Top Justice last night,” Stephen Colbert joked in his opening monologue Tuesday night. He also let viewers in on his new drinking game: “I would pour myself a drink every time my glass was empty.”

The Late Show host did not seem thrilled with President Donald Trump’s Supreme Court pick Brett Kavanaugh, or as he called him, “Cover model for Generic Dads Monthly.” Colbert did, however, pat himself on the back for winning “Trump nomination bingo,” explaining, “See? It’s all squares that say ‘white guy.’”

Colbert expressed his “skepticism” over Kavanaugh, mostly based on the fact that his first name is Brett. “That sounds less like a Supreme Court justice and more like a waiter at a Ruby Tuesday’s,” he said. “‘Hey everybody, I’m Brett, I’ll be your Supreme Court justice tonight. Before you sit down, let me just clear away these rights for you.’”

The host marveled at the fact that Kavanaugh, at 53, is one year younger than he is. “I don’t want some kid making constitutional decisions,” he joked.

“Some fear that Kavanaugh would overturn Roe [v. Wade], while others hope Kavanaugh would overturn Roe,” Colbert said. “Either way, Kavanaugh took great pains last night to reassure us that he knows some women.” In his remarks during the announcement ceremony, the judge seemed to spend more time talking about his mother, wife and daughters than he did about the law. Mocking Kavanaugh’s comments, Colbert added, “‘I own three Indigo Girls’ albums. My favorite boat is named after a woman. I have my own pair of traveling pants. I eat Jamie Lee Curtis’ poop yogurt.’”

But the aspect of Kavanaugh’s record that has gotten the most attention over the past 24 hours is the 2009 paper he wrote arguing that sitting presidents should not be subject to criminal prosecution. “So Trump picked the guy who thinks presidents shouldn’t be prosecuted,” Colbert said. “That’s like Steph Curry picking the ref, and the ref previously ruled, ‘Warriors number one!’”

“Now, ‘leave the president alone’ might seem to be an odd position from a guy like Kavanaugh, who worked for Ken Starr’s investigation of Bill Clinton,” the host added. “But that was before Kavanaugh worked for George W. Bush.”

In response to Kavanaugh’s claim that “the job of president is far more difficult than any other civilian position in government,” Colbert asked, “So he thinks the president should be above the law because his job is hard? In that case, I say moms of three or more kids ought to be able to murder at will.”

Finally, Colbert noted the fact that Kavanaugh has been called the “Forrest Gump of Republican politics.” That, he said, explains this quote from the judge: “My mama always said, ‘Life was like a box of chocolates. It begins at conception!’”