Stephen Colbert aired a pre-taped show from last week Monday night, so it took him until Tuesday to get around to covering the big political story of the weekend: Hillary Clinton’s health scare.
“Or as some are calling it, Lunghazi,” the Late Show host joked. “Not many people. So far, just me.”
“Wow, it has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton,” Colbert said at the top of his monologue. “She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise—all the white blood cells are voting for Trump.”
Quoting an unnamed Clinton aide, Colbert said the real problem on Sunday was dehydration, adding, “She won’t drink water, and you try telling Hillary Clinton she has to drink water.” He eagerly accepted that challenge and made his pitch.
“Secretary Clinton, what if I told you there was a non-alcoholic beverage you could get free from any faucet, even sometimes from the sky,” Colbert said with glass of water in his hand. “It’s packed with oxygen, and get this, twice as much hydrogen. And it’s delicious. Like a tall glass of unflavored Gatorade.”
As Colbert went on to say, this story combines the criticism that Clinton is too secretive and the fears that she’s not fit enough to serve. “Hiding her diagnosis makes all those Clinton conspiracies seem true,” Colbert remarked. “What else could be true? Is the Clinton Foundation really a big slush fund? Did they cover up an illicit cocaine ring? Is Hillary a blood-drinking extraterrestrial lizard in disguise?”
And when Anderson Cooper asked Clinton why her campaign didn’t tell the American people on the day she was diagnosed, the candidate said she just didn’t think that it was “that big of a deal.” To this, Colbert shot back, “Yeah, pneumonia’s no big deal when you’re running for president. Just ask William Henry Harrison. Oh, wait, you can’t, he died of pneumonia!”