A typical 68-year-old might resort to conversational staples like “What is Siri trying to tell me?” “Why is The New York Times suggesting I dye my armpit hair?” or “Who is Amy Schumer, and why is she so loud?” Susan Sarandon, on the other hand, is like the product of a particularly effective episode of Pimp My Grandma—but instead of 10 flat screens and a smoothie maker, Sarandon rocks flat blunts and adoring boy toys.
When she’s not defending Ariana Grande’s #donutgate or basking in the glow of cult classics from The Rocky Horror Picture Show to Thelma & Louise, the actress is redefining quotability, badassery, and eternally youthful robot genetics. Until science finds a way to cover our aging, flawed faces with perfect masks of Susan Sarandon, we can at least bask in the glow of her zany genius. FYI, this list of greatest moments may come with a contact high.
This Week’s A$AP Shout-Out:
Back in 2013, Action Bronson appeared on A$AP Rocky’s “1Train.” As befitting any respectable rapper/chef, Bronson came prepared, serving up his trademark druggie innuendos with an unexpected garnish of Susan Sarandon: “You see us scramblin, sellin’ Susan Sarandon / the cloud of smoke like the Phantom.” While the invocation of a well-known white lady is traditionally hip-hop code for cocaine (this listicle may or may not be sponsored by Rap Genius), Branson is clearly referencing some sort of flammable herb. Proof that Sarandon, who has been a longtime proponent of marijuana legalization, has managed to change the rap game, making her own name synonymous with her favorite herbal refreshment. As if that wasn’t cool enough, Sarandon addressed the shout-out a full two years later with bemused Twitter confusion and the extension of her very own olive branch of sticky icky.
Burning Man & Tripping Woman:
The mother of three is an outspoken fan of the Burning Man festival in northern Nevada, where she travels around on a Segway and bicycle. While Sarandon has never outright admitted to tripping at the drug-friendly event, she did tell The Daily Beast that “I’m not new to the idea of mushrooms. I don’t really like chemical things, really. Timothy Leary was a friend of mine, so that acid was nice and pure, but I’m not really looking for chemicals, and I don’t like to feel speedy. But I’ve done Ayahuasca and I’ve done mushrooms and things like that.” The star previously confessed to getting high before “almost all” of her awards show appearances. Although adventurous, Sarandon also claims to be very responsible—she doesn’t like to trip in cities, and never gets stoned while taking care of her kids, citing the age-old adage, “Don’t be stoned if you have to pretend you’re not.” Susan Sarandon: film icon by day, wise middle-schooler by night.
Unapologetically Playing with Boy Toys:
The formerly wifed up Sarandon has seemingly found love with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Jonathan Bricklin. Despite a 31-year age gap, Sarandon and Bricklin are both romantic partners and business partners as the co-owners of a ping-pong lounge and entertainment chain. Because nothing bridges generational gaps quite like a wholesome game of ping-pong, followed by sex with Susan Sarandon. Bricklin, who admirably knows his place, has said that “Susan is much older than me, and much more successful,” but insists that “age is not the issue.” Sarandon’s past lovers have included Tim Robbins, who was 12 years her junior, and David Bowie, who is immortal.
Campaigning For Lady Bills:
Long before plans started crystallizing for a feminine redesign of the $10 bill, Sarandon voiced her support for a nationwide campaign to kick Andrew Jackson off of the historically dickish 20. The Women On $20’s movement was based on one, small request: Please remove the architect of the Trail of Tears from our national currency, and replace him with a woman. Yes, after over 230 years of totally inclusive, uncomplicated democracy, the U.S. still does not feature one female face on its paper currency. The Women On $20’s campaign, which urged Americans to vote for one of 15 super-eligible ladies, ultimately landed on abolitionist Harriet Tubman. Articulating her endorsement of the campaign, Sarandon wrote, “It’s a great idea and a wonderful history lesson.” In other words, enough of that Sacagawea coin bullshit.
Spanking Pigs and Taking Names:
Back in 2010, Sarandon hopped onstage at an NYC Of Montreal gig and spanked a bunch of guys wearing pig costumes. Speaking of pigs, Sarandon isn’t afraid to call out the rich, powerful, and pedophiliac. Explaining her “issues” with Woody Allen, the outspoken star said, “I think he really tore that family apart in a way that was horrible, and hasn’t really dealt with the aftermath. He’s always had a reputation for being with younger girls—I mean younger girls. And also, that young woman [Soon-Yi] was very vulnerable, and I think it was very hard for the siblings, and certainly for Mia. You just don’t go there.”
Redefining Female Friendship Now and Forever:
Thelma & Louise, the 1991 film starring Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis, gave us the gift of the perfect female road trip movie, disguised as the gift of Brad Pitt’s abs. In 2014, Sarandon and Davis snapped a Thelma & Louise selfie, informing the world that time (and cliffs) are no match for the beautiful, iconic duo. As if that wasn’t enough, Sarandon recently spilled the cast’s plans for celebrating the cult classic’s 25th anniversary next year: “some sort of reunion tour.” That's right, fellow Sarandon fans—we’re going on a road trip. BYOBest friend, boy toy, and handgun.