When we started watching the Olympics last week, which we dutifully do every two years despite not watching a single full minute of sports in the interim, we had no idea we’d end up with so many Olympic husbands.
It all started so innocently, this lycra-induced winter polyamory.
A casual viewing of the figure skating team event on the eve of the Olympics Opening Ceremony took a turn when the Italian pairs couple performed, introducing viewers to the chiseled majesty of Matteo Guarise, an Italian Cypress on ice who sent my heart into triple toe loop. When, a few (a lot of) glasses of white wine later, we stumbled upon (Googled searched “Matteo Guarise shirtless”) a series of his nude modeling photos, it was over. It was Olympic love.
But then things got complicated. The Opening Ceremony the next evening introduced us to Yohann Goutt Goncalves, the flag bearer and sole Olympian for Timor-Leste, a man whose perfect smile was powerful enough for us to spend 30 seconds caring what, exactly, Timor-Leste is. By the time the weekend rolled around and Hot Luger Chris Mazdzer came into our lives, nothing made sense anymore. This man watches This Is Us, eats pizza slices in one bite, and enjoys lounging shirtless in the snow. Surely, he was meant to be my Olympic husband.
But what of Matteo? And Yohann? How could matters of the heart be this complicated?
Unlike Olympic events, there are no winners and losers in this race. Everyone gets a participation trophy. And the pool of contenders? Oh, they extend far beyond the O.G. three. Friends, readers, and supporters of glamazon bitches ready for the runway everywhere, allow me to you introduce you to all my Olympic husbands.
Chris Mazdzer - U.S., luge
It was love at first crotch-shot with Mazdzer, the luger who made Olympic history with his individual silver medal and for speed in which he incited an international internet crush. He’s a Massachusetts boy with hunky good looks and a introduce-him-to-mother kind smile, boasting a shirtless-photo-heavy Instagram presence and now iconic delivery of a sports-themed pickup line in a Cosmopolitan video: “I took second today, so you could come first.” Naughty boy. (I’m in love.)
Matteo Guarise – Italy, figure skating
Matteo Guarise was a professional roller skater before he began training in figure skating and doing things like posing while shirtless and wet, and occasionally naked. We cannot recommend enough that you spend a few minutes—hours, really—exploring Guarise’s Google image search results. This is our public service as a journalist. The people need to know.
Adam Rippon – U.S., figure skating
By this point, the most outsized personality in Pyeongchang hardly needs an introduction, but perhaps the treasure trove of pulse-quickening shirtless pictures on his Instagram does. All we need in life now is to gather Rippon and celebrity fans Reese Witherspoon and Britney Spears together for an epic post-Olympics kiki—and to thank god for there finally being an out Olympian who actually knows what a kiki even is.
Yohann Goutt Goncalves – Timor-Leste, skiing
Nestled on the eastern end of the Greater Sunda Islands between Indonesia and Australia sits Timor-Leste, the site of what will be our great 2018 pilgrimage: seeking out the religious experience of seeing that beach-bod and smile in person.
Steve Langton – U.S., bobsled
We just had a heart attack.
Pita Taufatofua – Tonga, skiing
No list of Olympic husbands would be complete without everyone’s favorite greased-up shirtless flag bearer. Cute, and practical; all that oil could come in handy!
Lou Moreira – U.S., bobsled
When we reach the pearly gates of heaven, we imagine that the 2018 U.S. bobsled team will be gathered there waiting to greet us.
Gus Kenworthy – U.S., skiing
Along with Adam Rippon, Gus Kenworthy is one of the first openly gay American men to ever compete in the Winter Olympics. We cannot understate the significance of this moment, the level of emotion we feel about this boundary finally being broken and what it could mean for young men going forward, and how great that ass is.
Joel Fearon – U.K., bobsled
We’re starting to come terms with the fact that our greatest regret in life might be that we did not become a bobsledder.
Javier Fernandez – Spain, figure skating
Have you seen Javier Fernandez skate? This guy is the most adorable. His musical theater-inspired short program in Pyeongchang was scientifically designed to make us swoon right there on the spot, aided and abetted by Fernandez’s contagious charisma. He’s just too cute!
Axel Jungk – Germany, skeleton
Sculpted body, perfect haircut, porn star name: this guy’s got it all. It is unclear to us what possesses a human to lay face-down on a sled and send themselves flying down an ice chute at a clip that would get American drivers a speeding ticket, but we pay respect to the physiques that the sport creates.
Ståle Sandbech – Norway, snowboarding
He’s extremely hot from the front, too.
Patrick Chan – Canada, figure skating
In addition to being a cutie-patootie worthy of Tiger Beat, Patrick Chan is apparently also loaded. Patrick, do you accept this final rose?
Chas Guldemonde- U.S., snowboarding
The 30-year-old from New Hampshire now resides in California, where you can often catch him poolside looking like that. His nickname is Chuck G., which he is absolutely forbidden from using during the length of our Olympic betrothal.
- Sven Thorgren – Sweden, snowboarding
Fifteen Olympic husbands isn’t excessive, right?