It’s not easy being beautiful.
It’s a lesson imparted not once, but twice by the nationally televised heartbreak of undeniably gorgeous, perpetually crying (if not always showered) Britt Nilsson, whose reality show love journey was cut short tonight by a roomful of bohunk suitors who instead chose to woo wise-cracking Kaitlyn Bristowe as the main paramour on this special season of The Bachelorette.
For the first time in the show’s history, two women were forced to compete for the immediate affections of the 25 contestants—a vision doomed from the start after one of the “most eligible” men in the country got wasted on tumblers of Fireball and sexually harassed Kaitlyn because he was “all horned up.”
Quality of the men notwithstanding, and despite almost unanimous consent over Britt being the hotter of the two, the gaggle of men with made-up professions (amateur sex coach among them) went with Kaitlyn, the 29-year-old dance instructor who they apparently saw as the safe, more appropriate choice.
But if the insane preview of the season to come was any indication, they couldn’t have been more wrong.
The first of the two-part season premiere yesterday set us up for a Britt Bachelorette. The men piled out of their cars—the traditional limo, a car outfitted with a swimming pool, and one in a cupcake on wheels, respectively. One by one, they seemed to go straight for the 27-year-old California waitress who lists her biggest fear as “being into someone who isn’t into me,” making her extra brave for going on a show like this. Every interview seemed to include some testimony as to her singular appeal.
“Britt is a 15 out of 10,” one said.
“Britt is more of your trophy wife. Kaitlyn is more of your natural wife,” said another.
Yet another got deep, wondering if “a simple attraction toward someone” caused you to miss out on someone down the road, hinting that while Britt was the type of girl who may give you a boner, Kaitlyn was the wife material that would give you babies.
And so it was revealed tonight, as more men dropped their roses into Kaitlyn’s wooden box, making her our full-time Bachelorette. #TeamKaitlyn cheers rang out through the land.
“Kaitlyn’s definitely the best fit for the Bachelorette,” Sean B., one of what feels like an endless number of personal trainers and a Ryan Gosling look-alike, told producers.
It’s understandable. Farmer Chris Soules questioned Britt’s sincerity and eventually kicked her out after a white-hot initial attraction led to the first impression rose, heavy petting, and extra jealousy from the other women—which proved to be the only interesting storyline from the last Bachelor, one of the most boring and unwatched seasons to date. Can a woman who sleeps in her makeup and looks good even in the middle of an ugly cry be trusted? Apparently not.
And so Britt was unceremoniously sent home on the limo ride of shame, but crying less than we’d expected her to. “I want to be a wife and mom more than anything in the world,” she sobbed. “I’m just confused and tired of being alone.”
With that plot twist over, we get to the next possible interesting note in the season. What happens to the men who voted for Britt? Host Chris Harrison told Britt the vote was “very close,” which means that a potential 11 men voted for her. (Drunk-on-Fireball Ryan threw his rose at the door before being kicked off the show, leading some hopeful viewers to speculate that the season would have two Bachelorettes throughout.)
Can the heart be so fickle?
For most of the men, it seems the answer is yes. Tony, the #TeamBritt “healer” with an unexplained black eye, expressed disappointment with Kaitlyn’s win: like “we are all thirsty” and living it up for the same water fountain, he said. He keeps the metaphor going by saying he wants to dig his own well.
Despite the widespread panic from half the mansion’s inhabitants, instead of immediately breaking them up into groups of those who chose her and “all others,” Kaitlyn graciously allows herself to be pulled aside by guys from both camps. She laughs and flirts. Welder Joshua hands her an iron rose that he waited to produce until the vote was announced but that “he totally built for you.” OK.
Kaitlyn notes her season’s quest: “Now that Britt is gone I need to figure out if everyone’s here for me,” as the men who picked Britt decide that they will love Kaitlyn now. All except for Brady, a Coldplay-loving singer/songwriter from Nashville who pulls Kaitlyn aside during the first rose ceremony to say, “If I’m honest with you and myself, my heart is with the woman who left a couple of hours ago."
“I’m gonna go find Britt and see if she’s open to finding love,” he says.
Once again, Britt inspires the only really interesting thing this episode. The rest looks like it’s going to be standard fare. There is a rose ceremony. Men with large-knotted ties are sent home. Champagne is imbibed.
And then ABC gives it to us—the preview that proves the Bachelor producers know what they’re doing.
According to the teaser, bachelorette Kaitlyn will kiss her throng of men—all of them, she says. She’ll dive hand-in-hand with them into a number of bodies of water and she’ll canoodle as suns set, all of which will inspire the show’s typical male response: violent jealousy. “I’m gonna fucking kill you,” one guy says, and seems to mean it.
We also learn that Nick Viall, supervillain of Andi Dorfman’s season, returns, successfully, if the pressed-against-door makeout session is any indication.
But it’s the preview’s final moments that we’ll be talking about tomorrow in which we learn that Kaitlyn, an adult single woman, has sex. Though we know that most of the contestants have sex on the show, this particular sex apparently happens outside of the walls and agreed-upon rules of the fantasy suite and as such, the men go wild with anger and storm off while Kaitlyn cries and cries.
“I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV,” one says, which is apropos for anyone who has ever seen a single episode.
“I made a mistake. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person,” Kaitlyn wails.
So settle in and prepare yourselves Bachelorette fans, sluts will be shamed this season. In fact, it has already started on Twitter.