In the wake of the Access Hollywood video featuring Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump bragging about sexually assaulting women at will (“I just kiss. I don’t’ even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything… Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”), numerous GOP stalwarts have defected from Team Trump, including House Speaker Paul Ryan, Sen. John McCain, and Rep. Jason Chaffetz. In total, about 70 prominent Republican politicians renounced Trump’s statements on the infamous tape, with more than 20 rescinding their endorsements of the former reality-TV host.
This wave of backlash prompted Trump to whip out his Android phone and, with his tiny hands, type out the following tweet:
“Yes, people. Apparently what we’ve seen up until now was ‘shackled’ Donald Trump. But not anymore. Now, Trump is like King Kong in that they both broke free of their shackles and like grabbing white women without asking,” said Trevor Noah.
The Daily Show host spent a large portion of his Wednesday night program talking how evangelicals have tried to qualify Trump’s unmistakably predatory statements while reiterating their support for the GOP candidate—though it remains to be seen what position they’ll take in the wake of the revelations that six more women have accused Trump of groping them, making the real-estate heir a veritable Cosby-esque figure.
Ralph Reed of the Faith & Freedom Coalition said, “He apologized, he said he was embarrassed by those remarks, and then he moved on and focused on the issues,” while Gary Bauer of the Family Research Council opined, “There’s nobody watching today on this network that, if everything they ever said, did, looked at, interacted with other people about was on tape or video wouldn’t be deeply embarrassed… this is not a job interview for a Sunday school teacher.” Meanwhile, Pastor Robert Jeffries of the First Baptist Church of Dallas had this kernel of wisdom to offer: “Look, I might not choose this man as a Sunday school teacher in my church, but that’s not what this election is about.”
“That’s right!” exclaimed Noah. “We don’t trust this man with our children or our church, but the nation? F*ck him. See ya Sunday, folks.”He continued, “These men of God do raise a point, though: Who are we to judge? None of us are without sin. I mean, if men of God—the devout—believe that we should forgive Donald Trump, then who are we to disagree?”
With that, the Lord appeared, bathing Noah in celestial light. He urged the comedian to run archival clips of that very trio of church folk preaching about the importance of “problems of the soul,” “character and morality,” and how a person’s “judgments in his private life spills into his other life,” thus exposing their tremendous hypocrisy. The irony, of course, is that Hillary Clinton is actually a life-long Methodist and genuine person of faith, whereas Donald “2 Corinthians” Trump is not, and was even carrying out an affair with Marla Maples while his wife Ivana took their three young children to church services.
“You see, my child, many use My name when it suits them. But come election time, they change positions faster than my Son changes water into wine,” said the Lord.“And by the way, Trevor,” he added, “stop jacking off so much.”