Vice magazine’s Dos & Don’ts brings you the raunchiest and sweatiest sartorial missteps yet. Just be warned: you won’t be able to tell the difference between a “Do” and a “Don’t.” Inside, see the photos and Vice’s hilarious captions.
“Maybe you think mustaches are 'played out' or 'gay,' but some couples need them to remember which one’s got the dink.”
Travis Campbell
“It takes a particularly dedicated brand of laziness to get fired from a job you made up for yourself.”
Travis Campbell
“Dance like nobody’s watching. Love like you’ve never been hurt. Sing like nobody’s listening. Fall asleep in a children’s playground with a fully loaded handgun on your belt.”
Travis Campbell
“Of all things to wake up next to, this guy is definitely no big deal. At the very least you know he kept most of his clothes on, and, worst-case scenario, you could beat him up if he tried to steal anything on the way out. I would cook French toast for him and lend him money for the train.”
Travis Campbell
“Look, you can either keep bitching about “the old New York” and how the city’s basically become Disneyland for drunks, or you can start taking advantage and enjoy this shit while it lasts.”
Travis Campbell
“Girls who try to do 1940s Lana Turner shit with their hair usually end up looking like the playbill for Murder Mystery Night at the Ft. Lauderdale Dinner Theatre, but letting a wink of it peek out from the top of a motorcycle jacket while everyone else in the city is still a frumpy, sexless Michelin mummy is like combining the first blossoms of spring with that part in The Wall where the flowers fuck.”
Travis Campbell
“Too-rich-to-care is nice, but too-rich-to-notice-it’s-fucking-90-degrees-outside-you-crazy-bitch is the way we like it.”
Travis Campbell
“Don’t start making excuses for him like ‘Maybe the light was out in the mud room’ or ‘Maybe he stepped in a puddle on the way back from the gym.’ Look at that face. He knows what he’s done.”
Travis Campbell
“Why do security guards always take such a hard-line stance on being awesome?”
Travis Campbell
“This is what is commonly known as ‘Living the Dream.’ He’s the guy your mom gets weird about because they dated briefly in college and you secretly wish he was your dad because he grows his own weed, listens to Hall & Oates, and uses the term ‘fingerblasted.’”
Travis Campbell
“Somehow you stumble upon the MySpace page of these guys’ band, the genre is ‘Electro/screamo/emo/punk/pop’ and they have songs about having text sex with chicks. They also have gigs booked from now until next year and are 17 years old, while you have no health insurance.”
Travis Campbell
“Nobody’s really done it right since bullies in the 50s, but how awesome would it be to have a sidekick who dressed like a less fancy version of you?”
Travis Campbell
“Did you know this is what firefighters in 17th-century Tokyo looked like? Evidently they’d just vibe the flames until they went ‘OK, sorry, we’ll stop now.’”
Travis Campbell
“Say what you will about steroids. At least they keep Muscle Beach from looking like Rent with sand.”
Travis Campbell
“She’s what you tell yourself backpacking through Latin America is going to be like before finally submitting to the 1,000-degree fever dream of eight-hour shits and endlessly getting hustled that is the reality.”
