Pip's Tips

What Pippa REALLY Means: Breaking The Pippa Code

Pippa Middleton is turning into the world’s hardest working freelancer, and today she has another work in The Telegraph, a travel piece from the Austrian town of Kitzbühel, for which she has somehow been persuaded to dress up in traditional Tyrolean dress.

The Telegraph has wisely decided to make the most of the no-doubt towering fee it has shelled out to hire Pippa by also running a gallery of Pippa in the bust-enhancing peasant wear.

However I am more intrigued by the writing – as I increasingly think there is a kind of secret code to Pippa’s journalism.

So the Royalist proudly presents, “Pippa’s latest piece, the text and the sub-text”.

The text: The first bend of the Hahnenkamm was tough and my thighs were burning…”

The sub-text: “My thighs are just as interesting as my butt. People should check ‘em out sometime.”

The text: “…as I tackled the relentlessly unforgiving incline of the most famous downhill ski course in the world.”

The sub-text: “And I can ski really, really well.”

The text: Pippa goes on to explain that she is at this alpine resort in the summer for the walking, not the ski-ing so the slopes are deserted, it’s, “just me in my flimsy plimsolls (my easyJet cabin bag allowance ruled out walking boots).”

The sub-text: “Despite what you might think, I am perfectly happy flying budget. It’s not just my sister who can do this ‘common touch’ thing you know.”

The text: “Now we were picking our way down, along with other, better-equipped hikers.”

The sub-text: “I’m way to cool to have the proper gear. That’s for nerds.”

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The text: “I was dreaming of a cold stein at the Seidlal restaurant half-way down and possibly some apfelstrudel because surely, by now, I’d worked off the portions of lardy leberkäse (a meatloaf-type slab of sausage) that I’d indulged in since our arrival."

The sub-text: “I am not on a diet, I have never been on a diet and I eat what I want when I want and I have absolutely no problem drinking lager instead of Champagne.”

The text: “I was in Kitzbühel with Austrian friends…”

The sub-text: “I am, however, totally Euro-trash.”

The text: “Thousands of people flock here for this one-night-only event, locals and tourists mingling with VIPS and celebrities alike, who start turning out from 4pm onwards clad in traditional Tyrolean dress.”

The sub-text: “The picture editor wants to see me dressed up like a buxom serving wench.”

The text: “It was only after I’d finished my kaiserschmarrn (pieces of light caramelised pancake filled with raisins and served with fruit compote)…”

The sub-text: “Whatever I like? Got it?”

The text: “… that I remembered what I’d be wearing that evening: a dashing dirndl….”

The sub-text: “Tell the picture editor it’s fine, I’ll do it.”

The text: “…with a bust-boosting blouse and a pinny….”

The sub-text: “I told you there was more to me than a butt! ‘Hello Boys’”

The text: “…to give an approachable, girl-next-door look that Austrians like.”

The sub-text: “Isn’t it fun dressing up like the common people. By the way, I am completely happy to be objectified.”

The text: Pippa explains she gets into the fun by “knocking back the flavoured schnapps at various stalls.”

The sub-text: “I am fun.”

The text: “Heady and hungry (again), I found myself at a pretzel pit-stop, munching my way through the salty dough…”

The sub-text: “Yup, anything, even carbs.”

The text: “Feeling slightly pinched at the seams…”

The sub-text: “Note to editor, I am happy to titillate in my copy by referring to my body frequently. But I will not mention my butt! Because there is so much more to me than that.”

The text: “We ordered rounds of schnitzel sandwiches and würstchen (simple sausage rolls)…”

The sub-text: “I may have mentioned already that I can eat literally anything without putting on weight. Getting fat is basically for poor people.”

The text: “….before attempting a Bavarian jig and a bit of shoe-slapping – apparently a traditional mating dance.”

The sub-text: “If you play your cards right, you can buy the wedding photos for a million quid.”

The text: “The Jahrmarkt is definitely worth a visit but I need to find an excuse to return in winter.”

The sub-text: “I am available for more travel pieces, please call my agent.”