Everyone’s doing the Lilohan. That’s not a hip new dance move or a boutique marijuana strain—it’s Lindsay Lohan’s latest accent, which the star describes as “a mixture of most of the languages I can understand or am trying to learn.” Why be a polyglot when you can sound like you’re in a community theater production of My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Lohan first revealed #Lilohan—a term she coined herself on Twitter—to a reporter at the October 15th opening of the Lohan nightclub in Athens. Yes, the 30-year-old Parent Trap star named a Greek nightclub after herself.
But when Lohan isn’t recreating the global nightlife scene in her own image, she’s homeschooling. In Casa Lohan it’s clubbing by night, and Rosetta Stone by day. She told The Daily Mail, “I’ve been learning different languages since I was a child. I’m fluent in English and French, can understand Russian and am learning Turkish, Italian and Arabic.” But perhaps even more startling than the actress’ aspirational accent was the content of her rambling interview. She mused at length about her work with Syrian refugees and the transformative power of nightclubs, and at one point seemed to imply that the Lohan club could branch off into a string of spas and refugee camps.
Lohan also repeated her new favorite phrase, “The world is bigger than five”—which was originally coined by Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan. This mantra, much like Lohan’s accent, is totally out of place. It refers to Erdogan’s belief that permanent membership of the UN Security Council should be expanded beyond its current five states—China, France, Russia, the United Kingdom, and the United States—presumably to include Turkey. In the past, Lohan has voiced support for Erdogan’s AKP party, as well as his belief in restructuring the Security Council. And in a similarly strange interview with Turkish TV network Haberturk in October, Lohan praised how the Turkish strongman handled an attempted coup this year that left 300 people killed and more than 2,100 injured. Lohan opined, “Erdogan did really well and his people, really admiring and respecting him, as the first elected president. This is a big deal.” It felt like a scripted line about the Turkish leader, who has been accused of authoritarian practices and dramatically restricting freedoms.
Of course, this isn’t the first time that Lohan has reached deep into her mixed bag of political opinions. The troubled star was celebrated for her expat’s take on Brexit, a political phenomenon so mad that Lohan was well-equipped to translate it for the rest of us. Chiming in from a location just beyond our plane of reality, Lohan gifted us with Tweets like “what would #MARGARETTHATCHER THINK OF #Brexit?” If anyone could get #MargaretThatcher trending, it’s La Lohan. But Lohan’s recent forays into international politics have been far more involved. Unlike certain American politicians, Lindsay knows what Aleppo is. In fact, she’s journeyed to Turkish camps and hospitals that house refugees from the ISIS-ravaged city. Lohan’s interactions with refugees have been well-documented; on her personal Instagram, she often shares pictures of herself playing with refugee children. In some pictures, she dons a long dress and headscarf. According to Page Six, the actress is reportedly a huge hit in Turkey and has even garnered comparisons to celebrity humanitarian Angelina Jolie. But while Jolie played a covert political operative in movies, Lohan may have taken the whole spy fantasy too far.
Turkey has taken in over half of the 4.2 million Syrians who have been displaced by military conflict, and has contributed $9 billion to the ongoing crisis. But despite the legitimacy of this cause, many doubt Lohan’s motives. In light of the thinly veiled propaganda she’s been spewing, sources have theorized that Lohan is actually in the pocket of the Turkish government. And in a year of conspiracy theories and living nightmares, this absurd proposition feels strangely plausible. At the very least, Turkish Twitter seems fairly convinced that Erdogan is calling the shots. One Turkish tweeter wondered why Turkey couldn’t afford a bigger celebrity: “Why don’t you bring Sean Penn or Bono and have them say ‘the world is bigger than 5?’ Who cares about Lindsay Lohan? If you are talking about pop culture, they have Rihanna over there”—which is a pretty good point. Also, does the rest of the world think that the three biggest celebrities in America are Sean Penn, Rihanna, and Bono?
Lindsay Lohan has a lot going on right now. Unfortunately, none of it is good. Her engagement to Russian millionaire Egor Tarabasov ended amidst accusations that he strangled and abused her. To the world, Tarabasov is a cute, 23-year-old rich kid who nominally ran a one-star real estate company. But to Lohan, Tarabasov is a liar, a cheater, and the father of her fake unborn baby. The troubled engagement devolved into a blowout on Lohan’s London balcony. According to footage obtained by The Sun, Lohan’s neighbors awoke at 5 a.m. to the cries of a woman in distress. “Please, please, please,” Lohan shouted. “He just strangled me. He almost killed me. Everybody will know. Get out of my house.”
In the wake of her estrangement from Tarabasov, Lohan has found that single life isn’t always stress-free. On a nautical romp in early October, Lohan made headlines after she suffered a gory boating injury, accidentally ripping off the bottom of her finger. And in the years since Cady Heron ruled North Shore High School, Lohan has clearly lost track of Halloween costume customs. She celebrated the holiday in a confusing outfit that would make the Plastics proud—pink lacy lingerie. She’s also rumored to be mixing business with pleasure, kissing her nightclub partner Dennis Papageorgiou. If this was just a bad call for club Lohan, that would be one thing—but what about the forthcoming refugee camps? And the luxury spas?
While Lohan’s eponymous club sounds like a really good time, the rest of her life choices are…questionable. If LiLo is so set on being a political operative, there’s no need for her to travel all the way to Turkey—she should come back and campaign against Donald Trump. After all, the American presidential election strikes closer to home for her in more ways than one. Back in 2004, Donald Trump publicly mused about Lohan’s sexual prowess, telling Howard Stern that “deeply troubled” women are “always the best in bed.” How about coming home, Lindsay, and helping Hillary Clinton kick that perv to the curb? Sparing the American people from the outreach efforts of Lena Dunham, Katy Perry, and James Franco will only help your chances in 2020.