Why Congress Needs an iPhone
Essential new apps for philandering legislators, lobbyist lapdogs, and Joe Lieberman.
The economy may be in freefall, the war in Iraq is nearing year six, but that doesn’t mean Nancy Pelosi doesn’t deserve a shiny new iPhone. Congress is considering a switch from their smart Blackberry phones for the even smartier iPhones. While the level of demand remains in question, in the event that D.C. does go 3G, Apple is rumored to be readying a few Washington-appropriate Congressional iPhone Applications—perfect for the modern politician on the go, the rookie Representative looking to hit the ground running, or the bored Beltway insider looking for new ways to pass the time during the post-election blahs.
TMM 1.0: The Congressional Page Text Message Modifier
Perfect for the pro-family Congressman whose favorite member of any family is the teenage son. This handy application translates inappropriate text messages sent from the iPhone into messages that are a little less incriminating. For instance, had Representative Mark Foley installed this app, “How’s my favorite young stud doing?” would have instantly been modified to, “Please stop by my office, young man, for a recommendation.”
Daily Straw Man
How embarrassing! While speaking to a class of fifth graders, you attempted to demonize Cindy Sheehan as a Communist traitor, and all the eager young eyes staring at you begin to glaze over. Why? Because Cindy Sheehan is “so two news cycles ago.” With the Congressional Daily Straw Man app, members of both parties will get up-to-the-minute information on who and what to demonize in order to distract from the real issues.
Plus, the handy pronunciation tool will make sure you never stumble over “Ahmadinejad” again!
Fake Caller (Lobbyist Edition)
The iPhone is a pocket-sized wonder, but sometimes it lets people know who you’re in the pocket of. Nothing is worse than making an impassioned attack on campaign finance irregularities before Congress and suddenly having your phone light up with a call from “RJ REYNOLDS TOBACCO.” Now, with Fake Caller (Lobbyist Edition), you can assign a more-reputable screen name to some of your less-reputable check-signers. Big Polluters are “MOM,” Corrupt Pharmaceutical Interests show up as “BOB, THE DISABLED VETERAN CONSTITUENT” and any crony who is under investigation by an Independent Counsel gets the tag “MR PRESIDENT.”
Virtual Zippo Lighter
Members of The House will be able to wave their virtual lighters and get all power ballady whenever Dennis Kucinich hits the podium and breaks into an a cappella version of “Every Rose has its Thorns.” (Bonus: It already exists!)
Devil Joe Lieberman
This is a great app for Democrats who really want to demonize orangey Independent Joe Lieberman. Just snap a picture with your iPhone, and this app will superimpose horns, tail, and Van Dyke on the beloved caucusing turncoat!
NOTE: Evangelical Republicans will also find this application handy to remind themselves that he is, in fact, Jewish.
Katie Couric just asked you about the Second Amendment. Is that the one about guns and abortion? Or the one about quartering abortion soldiers in private abortion houses? Fret no more! With Constitutional Shazam, hold your iPhone up to the bloviating journalist, record the question, and within seconds your device will display which portion of the Constitution is being discussed, and how it relates to protecting the unborn.
NEW: Constitutional Shazam! PBS Update—this update to the application will administer an electric shock to the user to keep them awake in the event of an interview with Charlie Rose.
Chris Regan is a comedy writer who won five Emmy Awards while working on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," and he currently writes for "Frank TV" on TBS and "Talkshow with Spike Feresten" at Fox. He was one of the co-authors of the best-selling America: The Book, and his latest humor book, Mass Historia: 365 Days of Historical Facts and (Mostly) Fictions was recently published by Andrews McMeel.