Donald Trump’s Cabinet is joining TikTok.
The news comes as bombs fall on Iran for the 11th consecutive night, Trump’s “Secretary of War” demands another $67 billion for Trump’s war, and ordinary Americans endure a cost-of-living crisis at the pump and in the grocery store.
Many of the president’s top lackeys launched their accounts Tuesday, Axios reported, after the Department of Justice told federal workers that it is now safe to use because it is in the hands of owners the government likes.
The DoJ says the 2022 No TikTok on Government Devices Act had become irrelevant following January’s change in ownership of TikTok’s U.S. operations, which China no longer controls. This means the people of America get to feast their eyes on the creative talents of high-ranking government employees.
The Daily Beast is all here for the #content, so let us walk you through some of the brilliance, wit, and hair-raising #epicwins we’ve seen so far...
Trump
The big cheese announced the news with a hypey clip running through the names of several of his top goons. Set to a White Stripes remix, it ended—like a championship fighter at the top of the card—with Trump himself.
Unfortunately, what that really amounts to is a list of government employees culminating with several very short clips of an 80-year-old man walking around to blaring dubstep in the faint hope that somehow, through some acid-drenched kaleidoscope, kids might find it cool.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, spare a thought for all the Trumpy goons who didn’t make the cut. Poor old Stephen Miller! 😢
P.S. Has anyone told Jack White?
Doug Burgum
The interior secretary hasn’t enjoyed as much airtime as some of his fellow Cabinet members, but his social media team has given winning the trivial little task of making a great TikTok announcement video a really good go.
Does anyone know whether Bruno Mars gave permission for his “24k Magic” to be used? Probably not, and who cares! Because America has rocket ships, bison AND fireworks (yes, fireworks!).
“The interior has never been fatter,” the clip proudly declares (don’t show RFK Jr.), followed by footage of a chunky bear. It then shows various fossil fuel extraction facilities, which are both thrilling to look at and really drive home the message about the majesty of America’s interior.
Great job, Doug!
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.
Bad Bobby took a sinister approach at trying to win over the hearts and minds of America’s youth. For his opening act, the Health and Human Services chief made his eyes light up red whilst random static and Geiger-counter sound effects crackle for no reason at all and HHS and TikTok logos flash on screen.
Nothing says “Eat your vegetables!” like a 72-year-old with a questionable relationship with science and a penchant for conspiracy pretending to be the Terminator.
At least he’s not wearing jeans.
Sean Duffy
Sean Duffy is so excited about his foray into the world of content creation that he didn’t even create any content to announce it. Instead, the suits-on-a-plane enthusiast did what he does best: take his lead from Trump.
Rather than putting his best foot forward with some #content, Duffy simply reshared the White House video containing the world’s worst UFC lineup and asked people to follow him.
Since then, over on the new account there has been movement, but it’s about as original as you might expect. The transport secretary’s first video is a breathtakingly lazy rip-off of the 20th Century Fox intro, and he has followed it up with clips of Trump and a barrage of AI slop. Start as you mean to go on, Sean!
Markwayne Mullin
If it wasn’t so darn funny, it would be offensive. The boring new Kristi Noem replacement really brought his A-game to the dried-up ‘fake Netflix’ meme format by sounding so incredibly against the idea it’s not real.
Clutching his stress ball, the DHS chief says with all the enthusiasm of a man told he had to pick his kid up from a party at 2 a.m.: “OK. Well. I guess we’re on TikTok.”
We guess you are too, Markwayne. Whether anyone else will be prepared to be bored to tears by you is another matter.
Kelly Loeffler
OH NO! 🚨 Cringe alert! 🚨 Small Business Secretary Kelly Loeffler’s social media team clearly didn’t share notes with Mullin’s before going live, for they too have gone down the route of ‘incredibly dull documentary no one would watch.’
One was bad enough, and although Loeffler doesn’t sound full of the utter disdain that Mullin channeled, the format overlap just about sums up the creativity levels in the top echelons of government.
Dr. Oz
“BREAKING NEWS” screams daytime TV personality Dr. Mehmet Oz. Standing behind a podium, the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services boss talks about all the important work he claims to be doing, like ending fraud and lowering prices.
“What we’re about to reveal today will astonish you,” he teases.
Unwitting viewers at this point would be forgiven for expecting an actual breakthrough with medical costs. Instead, the camera cuts to stage left as Oz breaks the fourth wall, Frank Underwood-style, to reveal: “We’re finally on TikTok.”
As if playing with the hopes of healthcare users wasn’t already great #content, the use of Lil Wayne’s ‘A Milli’ really helps folk remember how much cash is needed to be healthy in America.
Keith Sonderling
In a trending audio referencing Rocky Balboa’s “the world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows,” the unexpected twist reveals that under Trump and Sonderling’s leadership of The U.S. Department of Labor indeed is all sunshine and rainbows.
Through a multitude of photos showing Trump “working” at McDonald’s and wearing a construction worker helmet, Sonderling sneaks a couple of pictures grinning ear to ear. Nothing lifts the spirits of 7.1 million unemployed Americans quite like government officials cosplaying as underpaid workers!
A moment of reflection
Please spare a thought for Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who are so busy dropping bombs on the other side of the world that they haven’t had a chance to join the rest of the gang on TikTok yet. Here’s hoping they find time in their busy schedules to get some good #content out. We certainly wouldn’t want to miss it.
