My fellow Americans,
Four weeks ago, our brave military launched—on my orders—Operation Epic Fury. How incredible is that name? Epic Fury. Sounds like a Mad Max movie. We don’t hear so much about the great Mel Gibson anymore. I remember I first heard that name. I said “Mel? Who names an action star Mel?” But we love him, don’t we? When he called that nasty policewoman “Sugar Tits.” Remember that? Very low IQ policewoman. Disgraceful, and we’re going to be looking into it very strongly. But we love our police.
Operation Epic Fury has been a complete and total success. In four short weeks, we killed Iran’s entire leadership, destroyed their navy, and totally obliterated 168 schoolgirls. Nobody thought we could take out that many schoolgirls at once, but I said to my generals, “We can’t have all these schoolgirls.” So we took them out and I was very honored to do it.
Tonight, I am proud to announce we have won the Iran Excursion. It could have been a war if we wanted, but we didn’t because we love our military. But it was a total and complete victory. Iran is totally destroyed. They can’t even wash their hair. They turn on the shower and it’s just a dribble. They wanted to surrender but I said, “Wait until they can’t wash their hair.” You look at the TV. They’re all walking around with greasy hair. Terrible.
Many of you have heard about our little problem in a little place I call “The Strait of Hormuz.” Nobody ever heard of it before a couple weeks ago. I looked at it and I said to my admirals, I said, “This little Strait of Hormuz looks pretty crooked to me.” It’s totally rigged. A totally rigged Hormuz. But they still voted for me.
So it’s a total success if I’m being honest with you. Total victory. Which is why we’re sending 20,000 more troops. To start. 20,000 to start, and then in about two weeks we’ll see if we maybe want to send more.
Not that we have to. We don’t have to send any. Believe me. We could walk away right now and in about six months we’d all be partying at the Hard Rock Tehran. Great appetizers. Terrific franchise opportunity, I told Barron. Are you here, Barron? Are you here, Melania? I’m sure they’re here somewhere.
But there’s one job left undone. It’s called “Nuclear weapons.”
We gotta get rid of all of Iran’s nukes. Six months ago, we obliterated their nuclear weapon program totally. Complete annihilation. Which is why we have to go back in and destroy it again. We have to get all that nuclear dust. The generals came to me with tears streaming down their faces. They said, “What are we going to do about all the nuclear dust?” I said, “Nobody knows more about nuclear dust than me.”
I was a good friend of the late, great Carl Sagan. One of the great geniuses. Hosted Cosmos. Do you remember Cosmos? Billions and billions of stars.
Carl and I used to party at Studio 54. This is back when New York was New York. Before this communist became mayor. Nice kid. What’s his name? Malala? He came to see me. Wore a suit. Off the rack, though, but that’s okay. Communists don’t believe in tailoring, can you believe it?
Carl and I used to go to Studio 54 on Wednesday nights. People think Saturday nights but that was all the bridge and tunnel people. Now New York can’t even afford tunnels. Remember Bianca Jagger? What an ass on her. I said to Mick, “How much for a night with Bianca?” But I didn’t have to pay for it. I never had to pay for it.
I’m looking at Susie over there. Susie’s looking at me and she’s wondering why I’m talking about Studio 54. Susie, if you’d been there, you’d understand. On any given night, you might see Andy Warhol. Cher. The great Steve Garvey. Remember Steve Garvey? What a ballplayer. Susie doesn’t know what I’m talking about. It’s called “The Weave,” darling.
Susie’s got a little cancer sweat right now, don’t you, sweetheart?
But I moved on Bianca like a dog. She was so hopped on booger sugar she didn’t know up from down. But we had a good time. The Iranians are not having a good time, I can tell you that. Every time they appoint a new Ayatollah, we flush him down the Aya-toilet, believe me.
So now we’re negotiating with a totally new regime. They love Trump. They’re thanking me for bombing the hell out of them. They said, “If only Obama had the guts to do what you’re doing.”
Frankly, they’re begging me to make a deal. I said, “What do you think, JP, should we make a deal?” Our great vice president, JP Vance. The crooked press said JP didn’t want to do the war. Total lie. I said, “JP, what do you think?” He said, “Whatever you want, sir.”
Very smart.
And Marco. Little Marco! We’re going to do something nice for him. We’re going to give him Cuba for his birthday. Isn’t that right, Marco? Would you like that? Look at him, standing under the desk back there. I bought him a pair of shoes. Size 13. He’s a Size 9. Big shoes. Tremendous shoes. Show everybody your clown shoes, Little Marco.
He loves it.
So my fellow Americans, the good news is we totally defeated the very terrible Iranian people. We bombed the hell out of them. Thank you for your attention to this matter. May God bless our troops, may God bless the United States of America, and may God bless Polymarket.
