And the Wiener Is…My Trip to Brooklyn’s Smallest Penis Pageant
With no rulers or full frontal nudity, the men in the Smallest Penis Pageant seemed normal-sized. Then a guy named Raj flashed not what was in his pants, but what was in his heart.
“We’re here to worship at the altar of small dicks!” Chicken Bitches bellows. The crowd cheers wildly as the five contestants file to the stage, all wearing sparkly pageant sashes with their names: Puzzle Master, a white guy with long, shaggy hair and black-rimmed glasses; Twig-N-Berries, a Kurt Cobain look-a-like with a squire haircut; Peter Parker, short and plump and disguised in a Spider-Man mask; Rufio, a gel-haired Italian in a bandana and aviators; and Raj Kumar, a wildly grinning Indian man. Their penises are creatively covered, much to the disappointment of the crowd—though one wrong dance move or strong breeze will reveal enough for the imagination to fill in the rest.
Welcome to the 2nd Annual Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant.
“Last year’s winner was a chunky dude with a tiny dick who worked for UPS!” Bobbie Chaset, manager of King’s County bar in Bushwick and the mind behind the pageant, tells me. “If that guy can feel good about himself, anyone can.”