After more than three months, Thursday marked the final day of Donald Trump’s fraud trial in New York—and the former president was not about to go down without a fight, much to the delight of Stephen Colbert.
The host of The Late Show was giddy at the prospect that Trump “could lose $370 million and his ability to do business in this state,” he explained.
“So far, we don’t know how much he’s going to lose,” he said. “All we know is that today in court, he lost his shit.”
Like Ted Bundy before him, Trump had been adamant about delivering the closing argument in his case, which Justice Arthur F. Engoron was initially ready to go along with, provided Trump agreed to follow a set of simple rules. When Team Trump refused to comply, the request was officially rejected.
“But as 27 women can tell you, Trump doesn’t take no for an answer,” said Colbert.
So on Thursday, Trump’s lawyers once again requested that their client be allowed to speak. “And for some reason, Judge Engoron agreed,” marveled Colbert. “But he told Trump to keep his comments to a few minutes and stick strictly to the facts.”
Instead, Trump launched into a six-minute laundry list of complaints in which he claimed that he is “an innocent man” caught up in yet another “political witch hunt.” He also lashed out (again) at Attorney General Letitia James, and insulted Engoron “to his face,” said Colbert, “in what The New York Times described as ‘full stream of consciousness.’”
Colbert’s version of it sounded something like this:
“Look, your crooked honor. This is a plot by crooked Joe. Crooked Joe, Joe Rogan, Hogan’s Heroes, meatball hero, Meatball Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron, Da Bill Barr Barr, Bilbo Baggins, bag of rice, paella, Spain, Don Quixote. Tilting at windmills. A lot of people are saying windmills are turning our whales gay. Whatever happened to Wayne Newton?”
