In anticipation of the release of her memoir, Inside Out, Demi Moore opened up to The New York Times about the adversity she’s faced, beginning with her rape at the age of 15. Her childhood was cut short following the assault, and she moved out of her mother’s house soon after to live with a musician. Moore told the Times that she believes she was drawn to roles that required her to objectify herself because of her muddled emotions about her sexuality.

“When I was younger, I was obligated to be of service,” she said. “I wouldn’t be loved if I wasn’t—if I didn’t give of myself. My value was tied into my body.” Such self-destructive thoughts led her to abuse alcohol and cocaine, and to obsessively monitor her weight, she said.

The 56-year-old actress also dished on her marriages to high-profile actors Bruce Willis and Ashton Kutcher. Dating Kutcher, who was 15 years her junior, was like a “do-over,” she said. “Like I could just go back in time and experience what it was like to be young, with him.” Struggles to get pregnant, however, caused Moore to descend back into drinking and to abuse Vicodin. The couple separated in 2011.