WISHFUL THINKING

John Oliver Really Hopes Jared Kushner Gets Indicted by Robert Mueller

‘Please let it be Jared!’ he exclaimed.

In addition to Star Trek: Discovery actor Anthony Rapp’s disturbing sexual-misconduct allegation against Oscar winner Kevin Spacey—and his gross “apology”—the big news that broke this weekend is that Robert Mueller’s office was expected to be issuing its first indictment Monday.

“A federal grand jury in Washington has approved the first criminal charges in the special counsel’s investigation into Russian election interference…marking a significant milestone in an inquiry that has roiled Donald Trump’s presidency,” reported NBC News.

And while the house money is on Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort or disgraced Gen. Michael Flynn, John Oliver hopes that the first person indicted by Mueller in his Russia probe is none other than Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner.

“I know right now all anyone can think about is the reported indictments coming from Robert Mueller—please let it be Jared, please let it be Jared, please let it be Jared!” Oliver giddily exclaimed on Sunday’s edition of Last Week Tonight.

The HBO host didn’t spend much time focusing on the looming indictment, instead dedicating a chunk of his program to taking shots at President Trump’s so-called efforts to combat America’s opioid crisis—one of his central campaign promises.

“It’s really, really easy not to take ’em,” Trump said during his big opioids speech this past week. “And I think that’s going to end up being our most important thing. Really tough, really great, really big advertising—so we get to people before they start.”

“So… an ad campaign?!” replied a perplexed Oliver. “I mean, sure, it is important not to start abusing opioids, but that doesn’t really help the people who are already struggling with addiction. It’s kind of like seeing someone neck-deep in quicksand and then putting up a ‘Don’t Do Quicksand’ sign. Also, the whole ad blitz strategy has famously been tried and failed with Nancy Reagan’s ‘Just Say No’ campaign.”

Oliver then threw to a ridiculous clip of then-candidate Trump leading a group of children wearing “Trump’s Wall” T-shirts in an oath to not do drugs, which is… something.

Without a “detailed plan” of action, Oliver argued that all Trump is really doing is “calling attention” to the opioid crisis—which is good, but far from enough.

By declaring opioid addiction a “public health emergency,” he’s essentially appropriating an additional $56,000 from the Public Health Emergency Fund to battle the crisis. But since the opioid crisis costs about $75 billion annually and affects around 2.6 million people, it’s a mere pittance, with Trump allotting “roughly two cents per person” in additional funds.

Cue Oliver: “So Trump’s fix for our opioid epidemic essentially boils down to: Here’s two pennies, go throw them in a fucking mall fountain and wish your addition away.”

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