If the recent Taylor Swift-Kim Kardashian-Kanye West hate triangle has revealed one thing, it’s that Taylor Swift hasn’t exactly been honest with us. But if it’s revealed a second thing, it’s various teen celebs’ inability to keep their men in line. Today’s errant fuckboy is none other than Justin Bieber, the Canadian menace. When he isn’t hot boxing his plane, falling off the stage, or narrowly avoiding an RNC performance, Biebs is one half of the greatest love story Instagram has ever known. They’re called Jelena, they have more “likes” than you, and they’re a whirlwind. Through the good, the bad, and the Zedd, Justin Bieber has never stopped posting throwback pics with his bae. Once, Selena Gomez went to rehab because she was literally addicted to Justin Bieber. If that’s not love, then what is?
But the course of true love never did run smooth. In “the early hours of Tuesday morning” aka when he got home Monday night, Biebs did his on-and-off honey dirty by pledging his allegiance to Swift-baiter Kanye West. The “oh no he didn’t” Instagram post was a simple screenshot of a FaceTime session between Bieber and West, captioned “Taylor Swift what up.” Bieber’s decision to associate with Yeezy puts him in quite the awkward position with Gomez, who came to her friend Taytay’s defense in the wake of Snapchat-gate. The valiant if ultimately misguided former Disney Channel star was one of Swift’s first lines of defense, tweeting, “There are more important things to talk about...Why can't people use their voice for something that fucking matters? Truth is last thing we need right now is hate, in any form…This industry is so disappointing yet the most influential smh.” While Gomez’s love-trumps-hate mentality was sweet on the surface, it left a bad taste in the mouth of anyone who knows anything about her.
Gomez’s desire for serious sociopolitical commentary was nowhere to be found in the wake of Dallas, Orlando, or Ferguson. A search for #BlackLivesMatter on the teen queen’s Twitter page yields nothing but blank space. Twitter, a medium that was literally designed for the spilling of tea, did not take kindly to Gomez’s unsubstantiated self-righteousness. When a follower asked Gomez, point blank, why she and her fellow squad members had failed to address BLM and police brutality, Selena went off—and not in a good way—tweeting, “oh lol so that means if I hashtag something I save lives? No-I could give two fucks about ‘sides.’ You don’t know what I do.” We might not know “what [Selena] do,” but you can bet that Justin Bieber does. As Kimye fans and anti-Swifties flocked to the #TaylorSwiftIsOverParty, leaving the trampled reputations of loyal squad members in their wake (R.I.P. Martha Hunt, we hardly knew ya), the Biebs took to Instagram to plead for “More love. Less hate.” It was a clear echo of Gomez’s poorly received message to the masses, and a rare showing of solidarity between the two high-profile exes.
So what happened over the past two weeks to make Bieber do such a 180? Clearly, Bieber and Gomez’s tentative truce was short-lived. Did Selena get sick of Justin asking her “wyd” every night at 3 a.m.? Did Justin’s anger over his comparatively meager Instagram following push him over the edge? Did he catch her texting Zedd again? It bears mentioning that, so far, no celebrity has been bold enough to jump from Swift’s camp to Kimye’s and lived to tell the tale. Luckily, Bieber’s Instagram was shared from Hawaii, meaning he has at least one body of water separating him from a very angry Taylor Swift and the “Bad Blood” arsenal that she keeps in her Nashville basement. Swift, or as her hacked Wikipedia page renamed her, “Slithering Snake Becky With The Good Lies” is now the proud recipient of yet another hashtag, #TaylorSwiftWhatUp. Because if T. Swift gets dissed on the internet and no one shares a reaction meme about it on Twitter, was she even dragged?
This is actually the second time that the Kimye-Swift feud has come between a fuckboy and the star who kind of loves him. Noted Kim Kardashian-hater and DNC speaker Chloë Grace Moretz was one of the first celebrities to defend Taylor Swift, urging the Twitterverse to “stop wasting your voice on something so petulant and unimportant.” Enraged—as we all were—by the prospect of Googling the definition of petulant, Khloé Kardashian went off on the 19-year-old actress: Khloé versus Chloë, umlaut versus accent aigu. The battle of the K/Chloë/és culminated in Kardashian sharing a picture of what she thought was Moretz’s butthole, to the horror of the internet and Ruby Rose.
The plot thickened when Brooklyn Beckham, genetic lottery winner and recent Moretz boo, Instagrammed a photo of himself in a Yeezy T-shirt two days after Moretz’s Twitter feud. Just days later, the 17-year-old deleted his controversial post, after what we can only assume were a series of tense text conversations with his girlfriend (where’s Trump when you actually need Putin to leak something?) Ladies, love is a battlefield. Watch out for snakes.