You might think bitcoins could never give you nightmares. You might not believe that they could be a driving force in a manipulative sexual power play involving a threesome. You might even be so naive as to think bitcoins could never harm your soul.
You would be very wrong.
The first one thousand words of Kayleen Knight’s newest 10,000-word eBook, King of Bitcoin, are available to read online for free—that’s where you get fooled. I was hoping page one would have a juicy scene, but it starts off completely PG (as you might first expect from an eBook on bitcoins.) I should have stopped there, but I didn’t. I kept reading, all the way to the end, and it turns out, Knight’s piece of work is way raunchier and way more disturbing than the pushing-boundaries 50 Shades of Grey series.
A little background: The year is 2019, and people are beginning to warm up to bitcoins. You can even purchase clothes and weed with the electronic currency. The Winklevoss twins have a new nickname: Twinkletoss twins. Atlas, an 18-year-old boy, believes that bitcoin is the “future of everything.” He has been mining bitcoins through servers on his personal computer for years in his “bitcave”—or basement of his mother’s two-bedroom home. His classmates make fun of him and the local store clerk stopped letting him buy magazines with the currency.
One day, he comes home to find that his servers have been burned in a fire. “The dream was over.” Atlas hibernates in his home for a week sulking over what he could have been, until finally he pulls himself together and goes to school—only it’s closed. His teacher tells him that the whole banking system has collapsed, there’s no money in the reserve, and that the dollar is worthless. Everyone is relying on bitcoins, but no one has any. Atlas goes to a computer in the school and retrieves the bitcoins he had saved and, turns out, he’s a “gazillionaire.” He begins to use his newfound wealth and power for sex.
The description of King of Bitcoin states: “Scenes of an explicit graphic sexual nature unsuitable for young readers 17 and under”—and even that’s tame. I was warned.
Atlas Meets Miss Grey
“She was wearing a tight sweater which showed off her C-cup breasts, and a miniskirt which showed off her corking legs. He’d always just thought of her as a teacher before, but now he could see she was indeed a beautiful woman, with creamy white skin, curly dark hair to her shoulders and full, pink lips. He would love to tap that ass.”
Tells Miss Grey She Must Earn His Bitcoins, Calls Her Slave
“You may call me lord of bitcoin, bitcoin master, or Sir Bitcoin. This will remind you how much power I have now. Should you please me, you will be handsomely rewarded. Should you displease me—well you’ll probably starve like everyone else … Her breasts wobbled gently within the bra as their weight was released from the brassiere. She slid down one strap to her elbow, and the other strap followed suit. Her breasts were indeed perky, like snow cones topped with pink cherries.”
Actually, that’s all you’re going to get. Sorry.
After Atlas convinces Miss Grey to have sex with him in exchange for bitcoins, things take a very weird, very violent turn. The S&M between Christian and Anastasia in Fifty Shades of Grey that the world’s come to love and mock reads like a children’s picture book compared to what goes down in the land of bitcoins. The short novel is hard to take as slapping, cursing, and forceful sexual acts become the focus. No longer are we left with a cheesy, innocent teenager longing for his beautiful teacher, but instead, we get an aggressive and slimy ‘bitcoin lord.’
Bitcoins may not be our main global currency (yet), and it’s definitely not the way to get lucky (…yet), but Knight’s fiction is probably the novel the coins deserve, for now. Here’s hoping that the next Bitcoin fiction is, well, readable.
If you dare to go on, be warned: you will never say “cryptocurrency” the same.