After Donald Trump bragged about the size of his penis at last week’s presidential debate, the dick jokes came fast and furious. But after Monday night, Stephen Colbert has exhausted all the best ones so everyone else can stop now.
The comment in question came more than four days ago, but that didn’t stop Colbert from going hard against the candidate. “This is what I do for a living, and there’s no way I’m going to let an entire election go by without talking about this,” he said. After playing the clip of Trump’s not-so-humble brag, Colbert said, “If elected, he’ll make sure the Republicans are the party of the ‘big tent.’”
“The issue is out there now, and people have a right to know the size of your executive branch,” Colbert said. “So I’m calling on you to release the long-form,” he added, referencing Trump’s birther history. “Or the short-form, no judgment.”
“But all kidding aside, I’m not putting any kidding aside,” Colbert continued. “This man is talking about the size of his schvantz at a presidential debate. This is someone who could have his finger on the button. And God I hope it’s his finger.”
“This is even worse than the Lincoln-Douglas debate,” the host continued, “when Abraham Lincoln said, ‘No American, whether they be from North or South, free or slave, has ever complained about the size of my Lincoln log. And yes, the beard matches the drapes.’”
“I can’t believe that these are absolutely legitimate jokes to be making about a presidential debate right now!” Colbert said in genuine disbelief, arguing that we have officially hit a “new low” in political discourse.
As Colbert demonstrated, we have not only sunk below “Swift Boat,” “secret Muslim,” and “John McCain’s illegitimate baby,” but down “past Hillary Clinton’s secret email servers, past the Founding Fathers spinning in their graves, and all the way down past the dinosaurs into the center of the Earth.”
The only thing lower could be an “onstage nut punch followed by closing statement delivered via one long burp,” but, as Colbert concluded, “it’s only March.”