It’s not even the midterms, but many a candidate for the 2028 presidential race is already stretching out, tying their shoelaces and getting down (and dirty) into the starting blocks. And one Republican name floating to the surface this week may have surprised those of us who believe a racist, misogynistic, self-obsessed former television host with oversized personal baggage and little relevant experience can never win the presidency.
Yes, it appears that somebody in Whiskey Pete Hegseth’s camp believes our ax-throwing Secretary of Defense has got what it takes for the Big Chair.
Rumors of Hegseth’s ’28 bid began circulating just before he decided to fat-shame a Canadian child on social media—because that’s how you confirm you’re Oval Office material these days—presumably instigated by either Hegseth himself or his Lady Macbeth wife of the last seven years, Jennifer. Power-hungry spouses have long played prominent roles in American politics. When Bill Clinton first ran for office in 1992, he promised a “two for the price of one” deal with his wife, Hillary. Then there’s Clarence and Ginny Thomas; RFK Jr. and his brainworm. Former Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao and her husband, former Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, would be another such Washington power couple, at least if anyone was able to confirm Mitch remains among the living.
But Pete’s wife, Jennifer, seems to be stretching her role as supportive spouse to the breaking point, with multiple reports profiling her unusual role as her husband’s “heavy-handed” advisor and, as the New York Times put it, “de facto producer.”
It was, in fact, during her time as a producer of Fox & Friends that their love bloomed. Sure, they were married to other people at the time, but the heart wants what it wants and Pete’s heart wanted him to slash the tires of Jennifer’s car so that he could get her into his. That’s the kind of strategic thinking a Hegseth presidency could afford these here United States of America.
In the years since leaving their respective spouses for each other, the Hegseths have formed a robust, powerful partnership together complete with their robust blended family of seven, including the child they had together while Pete was still married to wife #2. It’s the kind of partnership that allows him to share little romantic tidbits from their lives together like this one, from a recent New York Times profile on Pete: “I watch her the night before at the whiteboard in our dining room... and she’s erasing Thursday and writing Friday, and ‘Here’s the tasks we’ve got for the day.”
Folks, they’ve got a whiteboard in their dining room! Yes, it’s for homeschooling their kids, but still. That’s a commitment to excellence! Also, Pete Hegseth can read!
Do you think the Bidens kept dry-erase markers where they ate? Do you think Barack trusted Michelle enough to send her top-secret military plans over an unsecured Signal chat like Pete did early in the job? Hell no! Do you think the Trumps share, like the Hegseths, the sort of working relationship that is so special, a former Pentagon official named John Ullyot called it “bonkers”?
God, it’s romantic.
This is the sort of love of which the Christian nationalist balladeers sing.
The kind of marriage sealed not only by the Lord above, but by the watchful eyes of Jennifer, who, it’s been reported, travels with her husband to keep him out of trouble. Fans of JFK will find much to admire in a President Pete, especially in his propensity to cheat on the First Lady.
Then there’s the policy side of a Hegseth presidency. Pete’s priority as “Secretary of War” has been clear from Day One: remake the 2026 United States military into the 1926 United States military. He’s already disincentivized women and minorities from seeking leadership roles. He’s already depleted our 2026 munitions down to 1926 levels, and he’s ominously installing a Tammany Hall-style crony system. With the reintroduction of steam catapults on our nation’s aircraft carriers, can biplanes be far behind?
Just imagine what fun we could have with him running government as a whole. Maybe we could relitigate the Scopes Monkey Trial, only this time with President Pete declaring evolution to be the DEI of his administration. Maybe we could restore the gold standard. Water fountain manufacturers could see a boom when the nation adds back “colored” drinking stations. And all the while, a checkerboard-aproned Jennifer Hegseth at his side holding a warm apple pie and whispering into his ear exactly what he should say.
In fact, it seems increasingly likely that Jennifer Hegseth has produced Pete Hegseth’s rise entirely. Before her, he was just a musclehead morning show host who proudly declared he didn’t believe in germs. Post-Jennifer, he’s a serious contender for the most powerful job in the world who still doesn’t believe in germs. Which raises the question: why isn’t Jennifer the one running?
She has exactly as much relevant experience to lead the nation as her husband—none. But of the two, she seems to have her hand more firmly on the rudder. People have joked that Pete ought to select her as his running mate, but I wonder whether the opposite isn’t true.
The Trump years will be remembered for many things. The “bonkers” role of Jennifer Hegseth at the Pentagon will likely not be one of them. In an administration filled with the relentless social climbing one normally only finds at the Met Gala, the Hegseths do not stand out for their avidity. Nor do they particularly stand out for their incompetence. They do, however, combine the two in a particularly zesty way that may soon propel them to the head of the class in the ’28 GOP sweepstakes. Which sounds horrifying until you consider the alternatives.
