It’s 2026, and no one has just one job anymore. We’re all micro-influencers, personal assistants, self-caregivers, and rideshare drivers who resell feet pictures on the internet so we can afford groceries. And in that very small way, we all have something in common with Secretary of State Marco Rubio.
Did I say Secretary of State? I meant Secretary of State, acting national security advisor, former acting administrator of USAID, former acting archivist of the United States, substitute Press Secretary, occasional wedding DJ, and Interim Chief of the Federal Department of Active Consular Command.
OK I made that last one up, but I give it two weeks before it’s on his Wikipedia page. It still sounds better than the Shield of the Americas, right?
This week Rubio has even been on Pope duty, talking to Pope Leo XIV about the situation in the Middle East. This is good because it makes JD Vance mad, but bad because God might smite us as a nation for torturing the pope.
The point is, there are two main things to be known about Marco Rubio:
- He has disproportionately long ears—once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it.
- He has a disproportionately long list of jobs.
In each of those roles, Marco Rubio has big shoes to fill, and it’s pretty clear that he can’t fill them literally or figuratively. And those are all just the ones we know about. Here are a few other jobs Rubio secretly performs in the second Trump administration:
Official White House Rumplestiltskin
Donald Trump is like a magpie—obsessed with shiny things and, when it comes down to it, unafraid to steal them. Trump’s taste is never clearer than in the previously dignified Oval Office, which now looks like the office of a leader from a made-up Eastern European country on a failed sitcom called “Dick Tater.”
But since Trump’s only philosophy on, well, anything is: “MORE,” somebody has to keep those golden tchotchkes coming. Who’s that somebody!? Marco Rubio, of course! He sneaks in a new gold item every day, like when you bring your own candy to a movie theater. He dangles it in front of the president’s face, and if Trump doesn’t swallow it, he hangs it up.
(If Trump does swallow it, well, that’s a case for the White House medical team, which is now led by board-certified cankle masseuse Marco Rubio.)
Acting Administrator of Trump’s Daily Cognitive Test
It goes a little something like this:
MARCO: Hey buddy, you ready for your smart-boy test?
TRUMP: Do the airplane first!
(Rubio flies a bite of Hot Pocket into the president’s mouth while making airplane noises.)
(The Secretary then holds up a picture of a bear.)
MARCO: Mr. President, this is a bear. Bear! You might recognize it as the thing your Secretary of Health and Human Services abandoned in Central Park. Now what is this?
(Holds up the picture of the bear again.)
TRUMP: Squirrel!
MARCO, speaking into an earpiece: Make a note: Bears are squirrels now. They always have been and they always will be.
Acting Administrator of Trump’s Daily Affirmations
-Deputy Chief of Pretending No One Is Talking About Jeffrey Epstein
“Epstein? They mean Dennis Epstein, the boiler room repairman,” says Marco approximately nine thousand times a day. This is a lie, because Rubio himself is the boiler room repairman.
Undersecretary of Making Sure No One Sniffs Pete Hegseth’s Glass of “Water”
Undersecretary of Making Sure No One Sniffs Jeanine Pirro’s Glass of “Water”
Undersecretary of Making Sure No One Sniffs Kash Patel’s Glass of…OK, Who Are We Even Kidding Here?
Anyway it’s not going well.
Ballroom Czar
This is a sort of six-degrees-of-separation game, but with the fate of the world in its hands. Basically, Marco’s job is to take any event happening in the free world and immediately link it to how bad the White House needs a ballroom.
Say a pipe bursts at a zoo in Dubuque, allowing monkeys to swim free and run all over town. Marco’s job is to go on television and say, verbatim: “If it could happen in Dubuque, it could happen anywhere. The White House is filled with pipes. Imagine if one of those monkeys had an AR-15. The only way to save the president, this great nation, and every primate in it, is a billion-dollar ballroom.”
Interim Chief of Stopping Trump From Texting New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani 19 Times a Day
“Do you think he thinks I’m cool?” says Trump again. “Of course he does, bud,” says Rubio. “Everyone thinks you’re cool. You wear hand makeup and your tie is so long it almost touches your penis.”
“Then why doesn’t he text me?!”
“Maybe he’s playing hard to get!”
“What if he lost my number? Can you call my phone and make sure it still works?”
(Marco calls the president’s phone. It still works.)
-Melania Wrangler
Marco is charged with knowing where Melania is at all times, so that the president is never there, too.
-Guy Who Wakes Up Trump With a Soft Kiss on the Forehead
“Rise and shine, buddy. It’s gonna be a great day. Should we sing our good morning song? Yes we will. Yes we will.”
(sings)
Who’s the best boy in the White House?
It’s you, Mister Man! It’s you!
Who’s the strongest boy with the high I.Q.?
It’s you, Mister Man! It’s YOUUUUUUU!
“That’s right. Biiiiiig stretch. Now back to this cabinet meeting.”
