Whether the reason behind Donald Trump’s latest visit to Walter Reed Medical Center this morning is as simple as needing a doctor’s note to justify missing his adult son’s wedding over the weekend, a move to flex on the millions of uninsured Americans losers currently telling themselves that stabbing pain in their abdomen is probably nothing, or perhaps actually a sign that all is not well with a cankle-ridden world leader who prides himself on his refusal to get a full night’s sleep and speaks frequently about going to heaven, the news the president was going for his second “routine annual physical” of the year was enough to once again send rumors about his health swirling.
Yes, in the latest proof that ours is a nation filled with gluttons for punishment, America is once again confronting the reality of having an elderly leader, raising concern for the 79-year-old elected to replace the 80-year-old, whom the nation felt was no longer up to the task. While it seems unlikely that Trump is ready to retreat to the squeaky embrace of a recliner, wield a remote control with all but the power and volume buttons taped over, and adopt a diet of soft foods just yet, can it really be true that his doctors don’t want him to slow down just a little bit? To take a quick nap, maybe. Oh, look, he’s way ahead of us.
Though Trump predictably claimed after the appointment that he received a spotless bill of health, doctors may have missed–or conveniently overlooked–the odd rash or condition. After all, the president has spoken openly and bravely about his long struggle with bone spurs, which led to his ineligibility for the military draft during the Vietnam War. Still, Trump has already sacrificed greatly in the ongoing conflict in Iran, surely sustaining cognitive “fog of war” from the mental gymnastics necessary to justify the war, as well as new dental concerns after consistently lying through his teeth about the rationale behind American involvement.
The focus on those gangrenous-looking bruises, which have so often popped up on the back of the president’s hands, may be distracting doctors from other, more pressing manual dexterity concerns. Trump can flip-flop, sure, but what about his flexibility? With so much time spent either furiously banging out late-night posts, dishing out thumbs-ups or hovering precariously over the Big Red Buttons (that is, both the Oval Office’s “Diet Coke” button and the nukes), Trump has surely placed an unusual amount of stress not only on his citizenry but also on his joints, introducing the possibility of carpal tunnel syndrome. But shouldn’t we all be carpooling when the price of gas remains sky high?
Last week’s video of the president physically hoisting late-night host Stephen Colbert in a dumpster before hitting his familiarly clunky dance moves to the Village People’s “Y.M.C.A.” aises another question: with the wonders of GLP-1s, peptides, and other breakthroughs in the field of looksmaxxing, could we get Trump into fighting form in time to hit the octagon during the UFC’s Freedom 250 fight at the White House?
If we’re going to be a country with elderly leaders who insist that their quirky diet–whether of daily McDonald’s or, in former President Biden’s case, the elusive “chocolate-chocolate chip” ice cream–keeps them young, shouldn’t we be able to see for ourselves? There is perhaps no clearer way for a President to prove his fitness and inspire his nation than by physically slamming his opponents to the ground in a cage match on the South Lawn as he rings in his 80th birthday, as well as his country’s 250th. Just like our president, America is old, but not over the hill. In the words of the scientists from The Six Million Dollar Man, “Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.”
