G.I. Joe: The Consummate Pacifist

Ever wonder how someone as pure and good as Goose in Top Gun could be shot down in his prime, while animated bad guys systematically walk away without a scratch? Oh, unknowable universe! The live-action movie version of G.I. Joe premiering this summer will likely level the playing field with more than enough casualties, but in the meantime, Slate magazine has documented some of the best narrow escapes seen in the beloved '80s cartoon. Will Lady Jaye think of everything? Will Timber the dog grow opposable thumbs and save the day? Answer: yes. The gang of Joes, it should be noted, never kills their enemies, instead relying on disguises and deception to escape improbable situations.