What do you get for the man who has everything? The President’s 79th birthday is almost here and, gosh, I just can’t decide what to buy him. I thought I had the perfect gift all picked out—a 747—but Qatar went ahead and got him one already. So there goes that idea.
Then I was going to throw him a surprise military parade in Washington D.C., but my wife said that would be a pointless spectacle which belies our national traditions—besides that, it would destroy streets, necessitating costly repairs and causing terrible traffic delays. She was right; a military parade is a stupid, stupid idea.
I ran through my other go-to ideas: gold toilet, new Tesla, Fox Nation subscription, hair weave. But he’s already got all that stuff. What about a casino? Nah. He treats casinos the way I treat sunglasses—we’re always losing them. This is all so frustrating! How do we celebrate all of the man’s accomplishments in a manner most befitting him? It’s tough because I can’t quite identify those accomplishments, so it’s hard to know how best to befit them. Unless you count invading Los Angeles as an accomplishment?
I don’t remember even being aware of other president’s birthdays, unless it was a milestone year. I remember Clinton turning 50 and Reagan turning 125, but other than that it seems most of our past leaders didn’t really make a big deal out of the big day. I’m not sure why. Maybe because most adults don’t treat their own birthdays like national holidays? (Nor do they expect others to do so.) Even adults who happen to be President of the United States.
Perhaps it’s because most presidents understand that gaudily celebrating one’s self can seem a touch tone deaf to a population struggling with political chaos, economic turbulence and masked agents kidnapping people off the street. What about a new putter?
Or maybe it’s because most presidents aren’t in the business of collecting loot, at least not while they’re actually in office. This president, however, understands that the best time to curry favor is when you’re actually in a position to award them. That’s why my “get the president his own meme coin which he can use to launder bribes” birthday gift was also such a good idea. Too bad the Trump family already thought of that one too!
Another problem is that our president doesn’t really enjoy lavish praise or people making a big deal out of him. He’s far too modest for that. After all, this is a man who once told 60 Minutes correspondent Leslie Stahl, “I think I am, actually, humble. I think I’m much more humble than you would understand.” He said this while seated on a gold chair.
What about a night with a porn star? No, he would never do that. A dog? Hates animals. What about a gift, in his name, to a charity he supports? That’s a tough one because The Washington Post’s David Farenthold undertook extensive, Pulitzer Prize-winning reporting on Trump’s charitable giving and discovered that Trump habitually lies about both the causes he claims to support and the amount of money he donates. He’s such a goofball! What about a new golfball?
Maybe I could try to get him the one thing he wants more than anything but that he’s never been able to gain: respect. Maybe I could, somehow, convince world leaders to stop thinking of him as a fatuous gasbag. Not an easy assignment, particularly because Trump actually is a fatuous gasbag. Even Vladimir Putin doesn’t seem to respect the guy very much, which is sad. I mean, things are bleak when your own Russian handler thinks you’re a knucklehead.
The fact is, he’s a tough guy to shop for. Not only because he already has so very much, but because he’s never happy. Nothing has ever been enough. “My whole life I’ve been greedy, greedy, greedy,” he once said. The truth is, nothing will ever satisfy him because he appears to have no understanding of what makes a worthwhile life. He doesn’t understand virtue. Or community. Or serving something larger than one’s self. He doesn’t understand commitment. Sacrifice. Fidelity. He doesn’t even seem to understand himself.
It’s hard to know what to give the man who has everything when that man so obviously has nothing.
