RACE TO THE BOTTOM

Pete Hegseth Is Blowing Up ‘Drug Boats,’ But Kash Patel’s Ship Is Sinking Fast Too

Across President Trump’s administration, there are never enough life jackets to go around.

Opinion

Pentagon Pete had made a fool of himself again. Of course, he makes a fool of himself most days, on account of the fact that he is a fool. What’s new—and news—is his explicit denial of reports (and indeed, his own past confirmations) that he, this past September, ordered or witnessed a fatal “double tap” strike on a speedboat which he and the Trump administration insist was engaged in narcoterrorism.

After first blowing up the boat, somebody—most likely Hegseth, although he seems more than willing to throw the operation’s commanding officer, Admiral Frank M. Bradley, overboard—ordered a second hit on two men who were sighted floating among the debris, in direct contravention of the law.

Ordering a “kinetic strike” on non-combatants whose nation of origin we are not at war with is also a direct contravention of law, but we seem to be ignoring that inconvenient truth in favor of the far inconvenient-er truth that this administration straight-up murdered the two survivors, whom I have dubbed “Rose” and “Jack.”

Hegseth scolded reporters at an Oval Office briefing when pressed on the matter, telling them he “did not personally see survivors.” He did not, however, clarify if this was because he chose to take off his Top Gun aviators at the time.

“The thing was on fire,” he continued of the besieged boat. “This is called the fog of war. This is what you in the press don’t understand.” But what our sloppy Secretary of Defense does not understand is that, again, we are not at war with speedboats—or even officially with Venezuela, the country it sure seems Hegseth, Trump and the broader administration seem to want this big bender of a fight with in order to steal their oil. Wait, sorry, I mean end the scourge of drug trafficking.

Nor, perhaps more tellingly, does Hegseth understand that “fog of war” is not a remotely plausible metaphor for an incident in which the Americans had perfect situational awareness. Perhaps the fog to which he was referring was the brain variety? You know, the kind that occurs when you are desperately trying to offload responsibility for your fuck-ups.

SPELLING STRIKE

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Vic Verbalaitis

Why do I know what “fog of war” means and he doesn’t? I am a former Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (Raphael, “Coming Out of Our Shells” Tour, 1990). It should not be possible that I have a better understanding of anything military-related than our current Secretary of Defense.

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I know there’s much media speculation about whether Hegseth will soon himself in the line of fire. (Pun very much intended.) A new and damning Inspector General report into his conduct in the Signalgate fiasco will surely feed the flames. I’ll clamber out from my sewer to declare that Hegseth’s not going anywhere just yet. Why would he? He is the perfect Trump stoolie, an alleged sexual abuser with a lantern jaw and a chest covered in white nationalist rhetoric.

But that’s part and parcel: Hegseth understands that his primary role isn’t to lead the American armed forces. It’s to perform summer stock theatrics for his boss. By these metrics and these metrics alone, we’ve never had a finer Secretary of Defense.

IN HOT WATER

Kimmel Tears Into Secretary of ‘War Crimes’ Pete Hegseth

Michael Boyle

Compare and cntrast Hegseth with somebody like Trump’s also-embattled FBI Director, Kash Patel, the bug-eyed incompetent charged with leading America’s premier domestic law enforcement agency. For months, Patel has generated many an embarrassing headline of his own: assigning a SWAT team to protect his girlfriend; jetting to UFC fights and country music concerts aboard the Agency’s G-5; waiving the polygraph requirement for his second, Dan Bongino; of course, all things Epstein. A damning internal FBI report was just leaked to the New York Post—it describe the agency as a “rudderless ship,” and describe Patel as in “over his head.”

Patel’s response? Melting down in a FOX News interview over separate reports alleging he’d also made ICE Barbie-style cosplay demands at the scene of Charlie Kirk’s murder.

With this, Patel is generating exactly the sort of attention that Trump despises— the sort that reflect badly on him. You might think a rogue Secretary of Defense murdering civilians would also reflect badly, but Trump likes murder, particularly if he’s able to keep his own hands relatively unbloodied. What Trump dislikes is the spotlight shining too brightly on anybody besides him, particularly when that spotlight illuminates the egregious sort of greed and venality that Trump reserves for himself.

LEGO BLAND

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A preening drama queen in pancake make-up, he won’t give up that spotlight even as he’s losing the plot. He won’t take cues. He’s physically deteriorating, mentally unstable and temperamentally unfit to lead. Hegseth and Patel may or may not survive, but they’re bit players. If they’re replaced, it will be with understudies just as odious as themselves. Maybe worse. Sure, it’s fun to play musical chairs with Trump flunkeys, but what really matters is the guy currently asleep in his La-Z-Boy in front of the cameras. That guy’s got to go. To the Hague, if possible. Rose and Jack deserve their day in court.

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Michael Ian Black

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