During a bonkers press conference Thursday morning at the Pentagon, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth led the crowd in a game of “Bible Verse or Samuel L. Jackson quote” before waxing poetic about his really truly holy boss. Criticizing water-turned-to-haterade coverage of the White House, Hegseth likened what he labeled as the bias held by “the legacy Trump-hating press” to that held against Jesus Christ himself by opponents and the elite of his era.
His call for an increase in “thoughts and prayers” came amid the broader fallout to Trump’s decision to share an AI-generated image depicting himself as a messianic figure, dressed in flowing robes and laying a healing hand on the forehead of a bedbound man. And while the President’s laying of hands on Americans, usually women, is nothing new, the incident has encouraged others to speak out about wondrous events they’ve experienced in his company. Though Trump has subsequently claimed that he believed the image depicted him as a Red Cross worker rather than the one who first carried the cross Himself, others are not so sure.
To those truest believers, the first sign of Trump’s holiness came shortly after he assumed office, during a discussion with now-ousted Attorney General Pam Bondi about the release of intelligence files regarding Jeffrey Epstein. “It was the most amazing thing,” reported one rapturous staffer. “Pam was looking at these files, talking about all these horrible things that happened on the island, and the President laid hands on her, said ‘Ye shall see no more,’ and that’s exactly what happened. She never said another word about it. It’s like she had no idea all those things were ever even there.”
His claim to be able to destroy the White House’s East Wing and raise it again in just three days inspired awe and outrage in equal proportion, and though the project has now run into construction setbacks and legal challenges—of course, Jesus, a carpenter by trade, knew too the challenge of getting construction done on time. “Blessed are you who long for a ballroom,” the President has promised nonetheless, “for there will come a day when all of creation shall dance together. Except for the Democrat losers.”
Perhaps in a bid to prove himself to non-believers, Trump appeared outside the White House on Monday to receive a fast-food delivery. While much attention was given to the tax-free $100 tip the President gave to a self-professed “DoorDash Grandma,” perhaps more should have been paid to the amazing event that unfolded just after the cameras turned off: The President proved his benevolence by dispersing the food, the bread and fish seemingly multiplying as he impossibly fed the multitude of reporters with just seven of his favorite Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. Happy meals indeed.
J.D. Vance, taking on his own role in this spiritual revival of Washington, has turned to preaching. The Vice President has seen success so far, with the first stop on his speaking tour drawing marginally more attendees than the Last Supper—and only some of whom had come to heckle him. Though painful, the experience is sure to help him continue to grow in the Catholic virtue of humility.
Reports indicate that Trump, determined to win over more Americans, has spent significant time at closed portions of the Potomac this week honing his ability to walk on water, perhaps in preparation for a demonstration in support of re-establishing freedom of movement for arks and other vessels through the Strait of Hormuz. (Never mind whose actions closed it in the first place.) Though debate as to the President’s holiness is sure to continue, insiders share that he is constantly thinking of ways in which he might expand his public ministry, and encourage all to stay tuned. Think less about a Sermon on the Mount, and more about a Truth Social spree.
