President Donald Trump has an expansive “to do” list to achieve during the second of his four terms in the White House. He has made it clear that he will be involved in everything from small issues like balancing the budget and securing our borders to big issues like securing peace between Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni. And at the top of his list is his commitment to a 21st-century version of Jacksonian manifest destiny.
Thanks to a highly classified and bronzer-stained Cabinet memo—subject line: “Mergers and Acquisitions”—that was found under a sunlounger at Mar-a-Lago, the Daily Beast is able to provide readers with an exclusive glimpse at Trump’s territorial acquisition plans (and by plans we mean Sharpie scrawled notes on the memo) for the next year, once his deals are finalized on Canada, Greenland, Panama, and Mars.
Antarctica: None of us believe in global warming but just in case, we buy it, and then announce the US average temperature has dropped by 15 degrees. Genius.
Lesotho: Is this a real place? No one has ever heard of it before, but once I own it—I mean, once we own it—it will surely become the best golf destination in South America.
New Mexico: The AP—which stands for Arrogant Press—claims it is already part of our country, but if that’s true, why is it not called New America? Buy! Buy! Buy!
South Africa: I don’t really want it for myself, but it would make a nice gift for my good friend Elon on Horst Wessel Day.
Russia: I know some think this may be a problem as Vlad thinks he owns me, but let me make it clear once and for all: HE DOES NOT HAVE A TAPE THAT HE COULD USE TO BLACKMAIL ME. Now that’s out of the way, I think we make him an offer? The Russians sold us Alaska back in 1867, after all, so I bet they’d would sell us the rest to help fund their military. Vlad sure needs the firepower ever since he was attacked by Ukraine. Plus Pete Hegseth would love it thanks to all that cheap vodka, or as he calls it, breakfast.
France and England: That will teach them for not saying thank you after we saved them in World War II, something I didn’t know until JD Vance, the Grover Dill to my Scut Farkus, reminded me.
Greece: I’m always asked, what about buying Greece. A beautiful country, they love me there—Greece is the word, they say? But Don Jr. reminded me we deported—I mean appointed—Kimberly Guilfoyle there, and if we own it, she might try to come home?
Now, given the national debt which last time the Daily Beast checked was somewhere over 40 gazillion dollars, you may be wondering how Trump plans to pay for all these countries? Well maybe you’re not actually, but just in case: The White House has a solution, thanks to four little words. Official Trump Crypto Coins.
