As the face of the new “Shield of the Americas” franchise, Kristi “ICE Barbie” Noem joins beloved figures like Mighty Lil’ Marco, The Incredible Truth-Bending Pete Hegseth, and Warhawkman, known also by his civilian alter ego Lindsey Graham, on their crusade to inspire the next generation of young Americans by blowing up s--t and pre-emptively saving the day. The adventures are sure to be endless for the Shield gang, whose members will never tire of searching for new ways to champion American expansionism and regime change. There is no excuse too flimsy, no cost too great to stop their crime-fighting (and potentially crime-abetting) sprees. Watch in awe as they leap entire hemispheres in a single bound, unburdened by accountability to the public or even to their own consciences.
ICE Barbie has found great success in introducing the excitement of paramilitary operations to American children, but she has achieved all she can at home and, as a result, is transitioning to the exciting and not-at-all-made-up role of Shield Captain. At the head of this all-star roster of neocon heroes, she will allow everyday citizens to connect more deeply with new and exciting military campaigns, moving from sowing domestic to international unrest. Who are the enemies? Who knows! While the eyes of most action-loving Americans are currently focused on Iran, she will encourage them to realize just how much more we are capable of, first leading the Shield into remote regions throughout South America with names she has spent hours learning how to mispronounce.
Though that $220-million dollar campaign to plaster her face on televisions nationwide has been criticized by some, it was also instrumental in ensuring Americans were met by the reassuring glint of her veneered, ad-supported smile at every turn. That’s how you build a brand, if not a wall. And look, it allowed her to “self-deport” into this new leading lady role, too. (Well, sort of.)
More than just a leader from on high—though she does love a retreat to her private plane boudoir—ICE Barbie is ready to get her hands dirty, stepping fearlessly into the fray. Here on the homefront, she has already displayed some of her superpowers, such as lightning-fast costume changes, a high tolerance for facial fillers, and self-destruction. Others will surely be of use as she leads the Shield into battle abroad, given her knack for affairs—international ones, of course. Her fearsome reputation in the canine world will allow her to turn even the most loyal cartel guard dogs against their owners. A knack for invisibility will help her and the rest of the gang as they make billions of dollars worth of weapons disappear, and the ability to turn back time may serve her well, depending on just how messy things wind up getting down there. Of course, she is also actively working to strengthen her mind-reading power so that if she is betrayed again, she’ll be able to see it coming.
The formation of Shield of the Americas represents the start of a new chapter in the spreading of American chaos, and it is with great trust and pride that our nation will watch ICE Barbie, whose achievements in this field speak for themselves, leading the charge and rallying Shield heroes as they bravely dive headfirst into entanglements that may never end. Will the Shield prevail? Viewers will have to stay tuned. But under ICE Barbie’s unwavering leadership, rest assured that they will go on to fight another—and another, and another—day. Make us proud.
