It’s Christmas time. No, not “holiday time”—this is Donald Trump’s America, and in 2025 MAGA actually stands for Make America Goyim Again. It’s a time of caring, of hope and of giving, all things Jesus wished for in his bar mitzvah speech. (Yes Nick Fuentes, the Messiah was Jewish.)
So with that in mind, I wanted to help out those truly devoted Cabinet members and Trump staffers with suggestions for what to bring to the White House Christmas party. After all, the symbol of the GOP is an elephant—and it is a very white elephant. Am I being unfair? Not when most MAGA rallies are paler than a pickleball game in North Dakota.
(Please note: This is a bit of a different gift exchange, for all gifts are given to the president. Best to ignore the traditional $20 cap.)
Kristi Noem: Assuming Kristi still has her job, I would suggest she give the president an ICE Barbie doll that looks just like her. Or should that be a Bratz doll? No matter, on second thought, it’s redundant. She is an ICE Barbie doll; she just needs to show up in costume.
And one pro-tip, Kristi: don’t get too close to Corey Lewandowski under the mistletoe. People might get the right idea.
Pete Hegseth: Yes, it’s going to be hard to keep Pete away from the eggnog. Let’s be honest, the man is either bombed or bombing. But he does want to impress the boss, so I suggest he bring his unread copy of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War.
Alina Habba: Things are tough when you are without a job. But Alina could remain in the president’s good graces by giving him cash. Slip the man a few Benjamins in a Happy Meal bag, Alina, and all is good! You’ll be on the Supreme Court before you know it.
(This same advice applies to Lindsay Halligan and probably Judge Jeanine. You know they’re not long for the payroll either.)
J.D. Vance: Despite rumors that the vice president’s marriage is in trouble, J.D. will of course be attending the festivities. Without Mrs. Vance. J.D.’s gift is his presence—literally—as he is the night’s designated organ donor. Like the designated survivor during the State of the Union, there is always a disposable administration member with the president in case a lung or kidney is needed on short notice.
To be clear, though the president is in top-notch health and would never ever need a transplant—and even if he did, who could provide one as perfect as the original?!
Mohammed Bin Salman: I’m always a bit confused if he works for Donald or vice versa, but either way, he is very generous. I suggest his gift be to bring the entertainment—some of the American comedians on his payroll. And the fleet of planes they’ll all fly in on, because who else is going to be able to best Qatar?
Marjorie Taylor Greene: She got the invite, but Marjorie, don’t go, it’s a trap!
Pam Bondi: Welp, Pam didn’t get the invite. Neither did Kash Patel. But that’s only because they’re our nation’s top lawdogs—and even though the president is a stickler for propriety, nobody wants HR at the office Christmas party. Besides, when a woman says, “Hey, Kash, eyes up here,” she’s asking for him to quit looking in two directions at once.
Stephen Miller: I hope this doesn’t ruin the surprise for all four hundred of Elon Musk’s kids who will be at the party, but Stephen’s gift is to appear in costume dressed as the very symbol of Trump Christmas. No, not Nosferatu—the other one. No, not Scrooge—the other other one:
Marco Rubio: I suggest Marco give the president something he has always wanted. The deed to Greenland.
Robert F. Kennedy Jr: This is a hard one. We know he will go to the party, because seeing a Christmas tree flocked with white powder brings back great memories of his wild times in college.
Dewormer always makes a lovely present, but I also recommend one of two photos in a gold frame: One of Olivia Nuzzi—you know, the “special photos”—or better yet, those new photos of Bill Clinton with Jeffrey Epstein as proof that Bill was the ONLY President ever to meet him. 95,000 Epstein photos and they were all Democrats!
Melania Trump: A first edition copy of her autobiography, The Stepford Wife.
And that’s it, just a bit of advice for the luminaries heading to the White House to celebrate the birth of the messiah. No, not that one, his birthday is in June. And yes, I did this joke before, but it still makes me laugh.
