America is in crisis.
Indeed, the entire world is in a grave state.
But stunningly, despite the constant flow of news that immerses us all daily, we have been blind to our plight. Until now.
Perhaps it was the sheer number of headlines screaming of disaster and mayhem that left us oblivious to this newly identified and profound threat we face. Here at home, millions are struggling with high prices, healthcare coverage (and the shuttering of vital medical research programs), unprecedented social division, the collapse of our institutions, unprecedented inequality, corruption and multiple insidious attacks on the rule of law and on democracy itself.
Around the world there is war, famine, millions who will die because of the end of U.S. aid programs, bulwarks of global security crumbling, a new global nuclear arms race, next generation perils from AI, pandemics, climate crisis, alliances at risk, the rise of autocrats, demagogues, hate mongers and super-empowered thieves.
Yet, for all that, we did not understand that among the very worst problems we face is one that, once understood, offers an immediate solution.
We do not have enough golden ballrooms.
We did not understand the essential nature of golden ballrooms.
We did not understand the massive benefits to society and government that flow from golden ballrooms.
But now, thanks to the vision and monomaniacal commitment of just one man to framing and addressing this problem, surely we are on the verge of rising up and meeting the moment.
That man, of course, is U.S. President Donald J. Trump. He understood this crisis long before anyone else. And then, recognizing how adrift and oblivious the world was, he sought to address it. He brought unique skills to the task. He has built many golden ballrooms in his life. He travels in circles filled with billionaires who live much of their lives in golden ballrooms and who appreciate them. Occasionally, because he is a man of the people, he has introduced others in global society—mere millionaires, for example, and recently pardoned felons, foreign intelligence operatives and oligarchs from around the world—to his ballrooms.
Committed to illustrating the scale of the challenges we face, he envisioned a mega-golden ballroom, a project so large none could miss its significance. He reached out to major corporations and political donors, and gave them the opportunity not only to participate in his project but also to gain in other ways from their donations, underscoring the benefits of their involvement with regulatory favors, tax breaks, and government contracts.
And then, after all that, when it was clear we did not appreciate the momentous importance of what he was doing, when in our cynicism and shallowness we saw his mega-golden ballroom as a grotesque vanity project, scarring our nation’s capital and the grounds of what was, in a simpler, misguided, time called “the people’s house,” when our own blindness to his vision grew so great that he became a laughing stock for wanting to construct a Versailles-meets-the-Vegas-strip monstrosity where the East Wing of the White House once humbly stood, he took the next step.
He put his life on the line. He showed he was willing to take a bullet—well, if not actually take a bullet, sit on a dais near where a bullet was fired—and sacrifice himself for his lone and unappreciated cause. Yes, he was surrounded by hundreds of Secret Service and police. Yes, he was never in any real danger. But he could have been. Or people near him could have been. And so this brave man who once endured an infinitesimally small and invisible to the naked eye wound on his ear in order to provide America with an image that would look good on watches and commemorative coins, once again said, “If a little black tie theater is what it takes to make my point, I am willing to do it.”
And so, on Saturday night he did not tell us, he showed us. He showed what could happen if the unthinkable happened and a president would have to be hustled off the stage shortly after his Vice President. He proved himself willing to do a massive pratfall and faceplant while surrounded by agents struggling to hold him up despite his enormous girth and the well-known difficulty he has remaining erect. Because of his cankles, I mean. He showed he was willing to cut short the performance of one of America’s upper-middle-tier mentalists just to drive home what we needed to have driven home.
And then, after he was driven home, he made the case to the American people. Facing bright lights and a phalanx of reporters for the Mike Lindell Media Corporation, he made it clear: He was building his golden ballroom not for his rich friends, not as a monument to himself, not as the eyesore by which he would always be remembered. No, he was building it for us, for our national security.
If we had the ballroom, no American president would ever have to be at risk again. It will be drone-proof. It will be bulletproof. It will sit atop a bunker very much like the one Adolf Hitler built for himself for similar reasons underneath the Reich Chancellery. The golden ballroom was to keep us safe, to keep future presidents safe, to keep his guests and his family safe, and, only coincidentally, to keep his enormous orange ass safe.
Within moments of his heroic sacrifice, talking points went to right-wing podcasters across America. The Department of Justice went to court and sought a ruling allowing construction of the ballroom to resume, as it was essential to our national security. Senator Lindsay Graham disconnected his lips from the First Gluteus Maximus long enough to call for funding to ensure the golden ballroom would become a reality. Every chandelier, every sconce, every marble floor tile, every gilded bathroom fixture, was for us, each, in its own way, much like a fleet of tiny golden aircraft carriers, protecting our great nation and its greatest people.
Golden ballrooms are for us. Golden ballrooms are for safety. Golden ballrooms will make America great again. Golden ballrooms are the legacy of Washington, the founders, Lincoln, and every soldier, sailor and airman who fought and died for this country. First term Trump was about “the wall.” Now, he was about four walls. Shiny ones. With pillars and plenty of space for chafing dishes.
In so doing, via this act of bold and courageous leadership, Trump was making something else very clear, however. He was also sending the message that we have been misunderstanding security and safety for far too long. He was implying, inadvertently perhaps—but is anything inadvertent to this master of 26-dimensional chess?—he was revealing to us all that the solution to many of our problems only required golden ballrooms.
If a golden ballroom could keep the president, Melania, Barron and the other Trumps (maybe even Tiffany) safe, it could do the same for others. If it could secure the business of the American state, other golden ballrooms could do the same for other processes, institutions, and people who deserved protection.
To a great government like ours, if we have $400 million to spend on a golden ballroom for a public servant, surely we can afford them for the public themselves. Annual U.S. federal spending of just over $7 trillion a year could, in fact, build 17,750 golden ballrooms. The Big Beautiful Bill included $178 billion in supplemental funding for the Department of Homeland Security. But much of what it is doing seems to be making us less safe. And we know golden ballrooms will make us safer. So we could have… almost certainly should have… used those funds to build 445 golden ballrooms.
Why not? If they are for safety and security, why not a golden ballroom for the people really at risk in America. Couldn’t those little kids at Sandy Hook have used a golden ballroom? 83 times in 2024, according to CNN, there were school shootings in which at least one person was shot. Surely we could afford to have provided golden ballrooms for each of them. Yes, gun control would help and cost less and actually keep people safe. But in Trump’s America, we love guns even when they fall into the hands of would-be assassins. In Trump’s America, the answer is not sensible gun control. The answer appears to be golden ballrooms.
Afraid of foreign attack? Why build a “golden dome” air defense system that is likely to cost over $1 trillion and not work when, with that money, you could build 2500 more golden ballrooms. Surely that is enough to protect and save at least all those Americans Trump and MAGA see as worth saving. Maybe not all of us. But certainly the white Christian adult males. There’s 50 million of them. So could we squeeze 20,000 into each golden ballroom. Sure. That’s just 20 times more than the White House ballroom—roughly the size of the Crypto.com Arena in L.A.
We’re spending $1-2 billion a day for our war in Iran. A supplemental budget of 500 golden ballrooms is already in the works. A defense budget increase of 1,250 golden ballrooms is also being sought. Imagine if we could have built golden ballrooms for all our friends in the region. Imagine how much less suffering there would be.
Imagine if the school girls we murdered on February 28 had a golden ballroom. It would only take five such ballrooms to house and protect the 5,000 people who have already died from Trump’s illegal war. Instead of sending bombs to Israel, had we built 70 golden ballrooms in Gaza, the 70,000 who were slaughtered there might still be alive.
If only we had understood the power of golden ballrooms. To save lives. To defend what is worth defending. If only we understood how many problems could be solved if we ended the world’s acute, previously unappreciated shortage of golden ballrooms.
But now, thanks to our president, we do.
Thank you, Mr. President, for your attention to this matter.
