With another octogenarian president once again spending his time yelling at people to get off his proverbial lawn–which is fair, given that it’s currently a construction site–and with the Silver Alert for Mitch McConnell still pending, American voters are pondering a deja vu-inducing, if not dementia-inducing, question: when does way-too-old become definitely-too-old? It’ll take a lot of thought.
In the meantime, when McConnell eventually changes out of that one shirt he’s been wearing for the past… 50-some days and returns to the Capitol, there are some important steps to take (and a secure handrail to install next to said steps) to ensure that our government can be run efficiently in its 250th year by the golden oldies in charge.
1. Senior specials.
A tried-and-true incentive strategy borrowed from the restaurant world will certainly help keep our leaders energized: the Early Bird Voter Special! Aging members of Congress who show up to cast their votes early will now be able to cash in on some perks, such as a free denture cleaning or first dibs on a bowl of hard candy. Bonus prizes will go to those who can identify the bill they are voting on and their stance on the issue without being prompted by a staffer a few decades their junior.
2. Attendance checks.
Every day of government business will begin with Congress renewing their oath of office to maintain trust—and being sworn in on a copy of the day’s newspaper. This would keep our hardworking senior politicians from wasting time on pesky proof-of-life photoshoots, freeing them up to tend to more pressing matters.
3. Robust elective activities.
If there’s one lesson to be taken from the schedules of retirement communities and cruise ships, it’s that an active lifestyle is a necessary part of aging gracefully and, ideally, with one’s competence intact. Enhanced cognitive tests—featuring questions about the names of their grandchildren and where they left their classified documents—will keep Washington’s more senior members sharp enough to weather a day-long filibuster.
Octogenarian politicians may stay more engaged with Congressional business if events on the floor were presented to them in a format they find more captivating, such as broadcast live on a television set with ear-splitting volume and closed captioning. Bingo, naptime and dedicated time for sharing AI-generated memes and misinformation on their government accounts will also be mandated into each day’s schedule—a necessary change of pace for our leaders to keep them fresh and focused on the important business of ignoring the problems everyday Americans are facing.
4. Enhanced work-from-home policies.
Since physically going to the Capitol to conduct federal business may not always be feasible–just think of all those stairs up to the Rotunda!–it is time to consider how representatives can still fulfill their duties remotely. Allowing votes to be cast from home—that is, a nursing home—or even from a cryogenic sleep chamber will meet representatives where they’re at and keep things running smoothly. (Who could possibly foresee any issues with corralling a hundred-some senior legislators to vote over the nation’s healthcare in a Doodle poll, after all?) In fact, why not move Congress down to The Villages entirely? It’ll be closer to Mar-a-Lago.
5. Clear lines of succession.
Newly-minted South Carolina Senator Darline Graham’s brave decision to step up to continue her late brother’s legacy of death and destruction on a global scale clearly shows the value of allowing leaders to establish a living will, ensuring that their wishes will be met. By allowing representatives to ensure they can pass on power to their favorite flirty staffer, third wife or home health aide, we’ll honor the will of the people without going through the tiresome process of actually taking a vote. After all, we trust our elders, don’t we?
6. Presumptive staff pardons.
If all else fails, aides of Congress’s oldest members may want to step up to take a more supportive role in their offices—quite literally. Perhaps a movie night screening of Weekend at Bernie’s could give staffers some fresh ideas on how to better conceal their boss’s physical decline. Prime the autopen? Sure! Inject the dubious hormones RFK Jr. dropped off in a brown paper bag? He’s the HHS Secretary, what could go wrong? Hide the body? What body!? Don’t be too surprised if we start to see politicians sporting dark sunglasses as they are wheeled their way onto the House floor.
These changes, while small, will be a big step forward in improving working conditions for our esteemed elderly politicians. What’s most important, after all, is that we respect our elders and let them be a part of the conversation… wait a second, are they asleep?
