We’ve all been hearing an awful lot about Natalie Harp of late. The perky blonde 35-year-old is forever at our octogenarian president’s side, her bright eyes beaming.
She first came to the world’s attention as “The Human Printer,” an aide who traveled with Trump during his years in exile at Mar-A-Lago. Harp’s job was, as that nickname suggests, to travel with both Trump and a computer printer, which she used to print out complimentary tweets, memes and various text-based ephemera. Kind of like the way you keep a toddler distracted with rattles and chew toys.
Harp remained with Trump after the 2024 election, and has become one of his closest aides. During the whole decoy Air Force 1 kerfuffle, Harp was among a very select few chosen to travel with Trump on the real fake Air Force 1—and, you know, not be at risk of being blown out of the sky in an Iranian assassination attempt. Why her and not, say, Stephen Miller? Some devilish tongues unfurled on social media to note in Harp a distinct similarity to another blonde the president has previously expressed interest in: his daughter Ivanka.
It’s weird, right? The homogeneity of the women in Trump’s life? Remember Hope Hicks’ resemblance to Melania? Remember Marla Maples’ resemblance to Ivana? And Laura Loomer’s resemblance to ALF?
Has Harp always looked like Ivanka? Hard to say, because Ivanka hasn’t always looked like Ivanka. But Trump’s long-noted obsession with his elder daughter has endeared him to other women in his past: He once reportedly told Stormy Daniels she was “beautiful, smart, just like (my) daughter.” Karen McDougal, another adult entertainer with whom Trump had an affair, said he told her the same thing.
Anyway, the Harp story culminated in a suggestive remark by Georgia Senator Jon Ossoff this week. Speaking to an Atlanta crowd during a rowdy campaign rally, he said of the president, “He golfs and trades stocks… he doesn’t want to do the job. He wants to build his ballroom and travel with Natalie on their apparently defenseless flying palace gifted by the emir of Qatar.”
You could practically hear the clutching of MAGA pearls as far west as the Mississippi. By the uproar that ensued, you’d think that Ossoff had suggested that Donald J. Trump would ever cheat on his wife. He said no such thing! Did he imply it? Yes, he did. And it was hilarious.
So, what is the exact nature of this May-late, late December relationship?
Let me keep my own devilish tongue firmly furled. I do not believe Trump is having an affair with Natalie Harp. At least not in the sense that all of us still with functioning genitalia mean. I don’t think there’s anything particularly salacious going on for the simple reason that I highly doubt Trump has it in him anymore, not even with a double dose of industrial-strength Viagra washed down with a full can of Diet Coke. The spirit may still be (barely) willing, but the flesh would fall off the bone like a side of slow-cooked brisket if he unbuttons those pants too quick.
While I doubt their relationship is sexual, I think it’s probably very intimate. Which makes sense. At some point, any relationship that involves so much time working in close proximity will involve one party getting into a screaming match with the other party’s assistants about whether there’s enough room in the motorcade on the way to one of said party’s many courtroom appearances, necessitating them to squeeze into the trunk of one of the cars rather than, say, taking an Uber. I mean, that’s just common sense.
By all accounts, Harp worships the man. And if there’s one thing Trump enjoys more than anything else—and yes, I mean anything else—it’s being worshipped. All he wants in this life is for somebody to tell him he’s worthy of love. The terrible irony is that no matter how many people tell him, it only makes him doubt it more. Because they’re the wrong people. Right, Papa Fred?
Who am I to play dime-store psychiatrist? Nobody, that’s who. But here’s what I think their relationship really is. I think she’s his home health care aide.
What do I mean by “home health care aide”? I mean I think she’s there to change the odd diaper and cover the odd bruise with gouache foundation, but primarily to flatter an old man. As I said, I think that’s the best care she can provide. The thing that’s so important about Harp isn’t that she’s available—though it helps that she is when Melania certainly isn’t—it must be that she provides him something nobody else does. Constant, ever-ending flattery. A fountain of flattery. Does she also softly croon Abba songs into his ear as he falls asleep between three and four a.m. each morning? (Chiquitita, tell me what’s wrong?) Perhaps. Basically, I think Harp does whatever Trump wants done by Harp.
So thank you for your service, Natalie Harp. It’s a thankless job. Thank you for your weird and fervent loyalty to a man who will never return the favor; your expression when you look at him makes for very funny photos and I hope you keep making it. And thank you for lifting liberal spirits. You’ve provided a little lightness in a dark world. These days, we need all the help we can get.
